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Benoit Blanc vs Hercule Poirot
Freshy Kanal
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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Mon dieu, this poor man's been attacked!
Don't panic, though, have some confidence
Murders on the track are exactly what I am strongest in!
Ah, Monsieur Blanc, is it?
You're, how you say? Incompetent
Something here is afoot, so watch me once again go stomp on shh!
You're too bothered with these long metaphors
That you use to accomplish and prove nothing!
Rule out people, then you deduce from it
So, what do you do that a game of Clue couldn't?
Took a genre so crucially truthful and churned out
Regurgitative spoof vomit! If you're wondering who Blanc is
He's stood accused of reducing a whodunit to a who's dumbest
Ah! The best detective's not likely Double-O-Seven Herbs and Spices
The only sense he's left is of dress
And that's 'cause Inspector Called a new stylist!
I detect every tiny detail 'cause my mind magnifies it
Yet what I'll never find is Benoit Blanc on any invite list!
You're an Impostor in hot water, like Among Us in the bathtub!
So full of crap, cut that bumpkin accent you yap with
Because the act's up!
Contrive your way into my brain with writing help from Rian?
Mon ami, there's only one gray cell I'll let you see inside of
This case is like an egg; what I mean is, you can't stand it
That's alright, enter Benoit Blanc, he's here to crack it!
Can I ask that you retract all your dull points like a fake knife?
Now, that mustache mask alone's covering up a crime!
Your far-fetched farming dreams will have to wait tight
The only thing you've planted in the soil is your late wife
It's not a mystery, since seeing him be so wicked
That dame Agatha Christie wished he'd never been written!
But please, before you diss me, consider the wind conditions
Watch it blow up in your face, literally, wire you trippin'?
The collected evidence confirms this decorated veteran possessed
The intent to disperse of this gentleman
Thus making this murder his second one!
You've certainly switched your profession up
Now learn the taste of your own medicine!
Too bad I couldn't have served him it earlier
And prevented his heart from letting up
Sorry to interrupt your skirmish, detectives
I'm Lt. Columbo, I'd like to ask a few questions
I've never been the kinda man to act tough
But don't force my hands, or I'll show you howcatchem
I know you smart types all have your methods
But Blanc, it's awful suspicious
To find you next to that lifeless body arguing with it
Poirot, you said you worked with cops, but what I'm tryna figure out
You spent all that time in Brussels
And never tried one of their sprouts?
And I'm sorry for your loss, wives can nag at ya for a while
But even after the murder, you're still, living in denial?
Mr. Blanc, he inspired your act, right? In fact
I can tell, 'cause a donut's not the kinda hole
Some would describe you as
Spent weeks abroad stressing your husband; suspicious, isn't it?
You'll be the first man to catch a case while social distancing
That's all boy, whoever did this must've been some posh snob
Oh, just one more thing, how much those watches cost?
Just one thing indeed, Lieutenant
I'll have to stop you right there, don't think you're N's successor
Just because you're growing white hairs
How typical, it's rich men who you target as suspects
But my suspicions of your guilt have grown beyond just 1%
So yes, I'd hardly call you qualified for solving this man's death
The fake eye tells me your perception skills
Are far out of their depth
In all of your episodes, it's the same stars you're opposing
Oh, this time, Rob Culp's the culprit?
Fantastic job, Sherlock Homeless
You take what's known, rediscover it; less Columbo, more Columbus
And that glass eye would spill glass tears
Before you ever cracked a Glass Onion
Your entire charade is built on lies and folk tales
That body seems like just another target Mr. Falk tailed
Not quite, but since you play a chess match well
I am the Dark Knight and I've been following your path, L
We both were orphans but through the pain
I forged my way with discipline
Your mind was molded in a program made for gifted kids
I don't think your goal's to save the innocent
Prestige must be sugar-laced, I know your brain's addicted to it
Your ego's feasted well off Tokyo's carcass
The perfect foil to Kira because you're heartless
Treating lives like they're pawns
Spending all of your time watching the Light
But make sure you mind the darkness
Gotham's shinigami in the darkest corners of the city, watching
Preserving life and crashing any guilty party!
Riddle solving, it comes with the job
So hide as Hideki, L, or Ryuzaki
There's no pseudonym that you're adopting which will stop me!
All that effort to see Light indicted
Just to be written off by his sidekick's sidekick
The pieces point to you from all sides, what will you do next?
It's checkmate, and you're just like your heart: with no moves left
How many damaged fragile assholes does it
Take to crack a murder scene?
Like, don't lash out at Shaggy, man, 'cause it wasn't me!
(Batman!) Scoob, we can't rush to conclusions, it's important
Last time someone took shots in the dark, Bruce got orphaned!
Boy, wonder where you would get a sidekick
If the elementary doesn't let him back in!
'Cause I don't think you'll get away with
Like how you like to meddle with kids!
Been let up and tricked for 83 years
And Gotham's hope has not gotten closer!
No belt or bat wings, and I'm better equipped
Give me one crossover, I'll drop the Joker!
Every quack in Arkham slides right past ya when you catch 'em
Like, I get the "bat" thing
You're blinder than Velma without her glasses!
He's got a Shagworthy-sized mansion, why are you never happy?
Gang, unmask him! It's Ben Affleck! Zoinks! and he's method acting!
1% and I trash your crummy villains in under minutes
Like, who raised you to be such an idiot? Like, the butler did it!
Okay, Rogers, solve the murder if you're so damn smart
Like, I don't know, man, I'm only here for the free sandwich bar!
Pass me my pipe and my hat (Ey)
I got my eyes on the facts (Ey)
Stringing more notes than my violin has
This case is finally cracked (Ey)
Step on the street with the Baker (Huh)
And I put that fire in my raps (Yuh)
Now that you're talking to Sherlock Holmes
There ain't a mind who can match!
No, you can't handle the truth
I've seen dead bodies that bring better value than you!
What do you actually do?
No better than bait when your crew leaves you battered and bruised!
Not a hard fact to deduce! Gathering clues on some Baskerville hounds
See a dog that can bite, tear a man to the ground
But the mutts laid before me are Shaggy and Scoob!
Hercule, I can see you ain't aged well!
No evidence relying on your fake tales, my sidekick's a doctor
Arthur Hastings still ain't using his brain or his "gray cells"
Searching for the murderer in cottages and quaint dwells
Terminate a perpetrator 'fore they ever raise hell!
Pray tell, you derail to distract from the pain
When your wife derailed from the track, like
Batman, all the tech that you got ain't helping you
More than one line of coke (Huh), under all of that stuff
You're down to the core, a regular bloke (Huh)
Even L needs a force behind him, I'm solving crimes on my own
So, go read about it; gain more renown with every death that I note!
Riding through on a horse-drawn carriage
Right past Frank, who got caught in traffic!
Run-down car, only banger he's having!
He's sorting clues, can't sort his marriage!
Monsieur Blanc, here's advice I'm giving
Stop the villain 'fore the crime's committed!
'Cause every visit, you find a victim like
You've been bribed by sly morticians!
Gathering the clues of the crime, all you sleuths can't decide
On the culprit, the weapon, or who's in the right!
But by looking how the lace on his shoe has been tied
And the stains of the juice on his thigh
That he tumbled and fell, I assume with a fright
But I see there's no blood or a wound in my sight!
With the use of my light, see the moves of his eye
I can only conclude that this dude's still alive!
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