The Attorney for Jesus Christ
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Lyrics
Well, it was just another day at your local church
They were closing up shop after a day of God's work
When suddenly the telephone began to ring
The priest picked up and said, House of the Lord
Do you have any sins you'd like to repent for
And the voice on the end said, it's you who will be repenting
The priest furrowed his brow and he said, who's this
The voice said, an attorney and my client
Has a legal obligation to inform you you're being sued
The priest was shocked, he didn't know what to say
He hadn't expected a lawsuit that day
So he just said, sir, I am very, very confused
The attorney explained, your scripture was right
That second coming that you foresaw has arrived
God's son himself has come back to life
And there ain't much money in being a Savior
So he figured he'd need a pretty good lawyer
Now I legally represent Mr. Jesus Christ
Oh, your day of judgment, it is fast approaching
You sold his image, now you'll pay the price
We're the most righteous legal team
That the world has ever seen
I'm the attorney for Mr. Jesus Christ
The priest said, what we praise Jesus
What possible reason could he have to sue us
We've been preaching his good word to the world this whole time
He replied, exactly, you preached his word
And my client missed out on every penny you earned
And you grossly violated his intellectual property rights
The attorney continued, for what it's worth
We plan on prosecuting many a church
Who's appropriated Mr. Christ's holy image
You've talked an awful lot about a day of judgment
But a date in court's probably not what you meant
Regardless, my client will receive what is rightfully his
After months of discovery, the court date arrived
The defense bench was the most surreal sight
It was a laundry list of evangelical wealth
There was Jim Baker, Kenneth Copeland
Michael and Debie Pearl, Pat Robertson
Jerry Falwell and even the Pope himself
Oh, your day of judgment, it is fast approaching
You sold his image, now you'll pay the price
We're the most righteous legal team
That the world has ever seen
I'm the attorney for Mr. Jesus Christ
The trial dragged on for day after day
And the attorney demonstrated each and every way
These men had been making money fist over hand
Tensions were rising and it seemed probable
That every man in that courtroom might just explode
The day Jesus Christ himself went and took the stand
You can say what you want about Emanuel
But he knew how to talk to a crowd pretty well
The courtroom was hanging on each and every word
The stenographer typed in a sublime fervor
She understood she was documenting the Savior
And Jesus started by saying, this is just absurd
Back in my day I was a very poor man
I lived off scraps and I traveled the land
These men twisted my words for opulence and wealth
Now you've built your fortunes asking what would I do
And I honestly think I'd beat the hell out of you
Matta fact, I'll save us some time and I'll do it myself
Jesus rolled up his sleeves and he jumped out the booth
The judge cried, order But it was no use
The fight was on and nobody could stop it now
Jesus said, forgive me Father, I'm about to sin
Then he punched the Pope right in his upper lip
And holy blood spilled down on the Pope's white gown
The Pope fought back in a near-blind rage
He threw a good punch for a man his age
And he knocked old Jesus Christ back onto the ground
Preachers all bolted like sharks after blood
They made a rush on God's only Son
And with two men per limb they pinned poor Jesus down
Televangelists screamed, he's Socialist Scum
But a feminist too, something must be done
Our power will be compromised if we don't silence him
Cause if these men were called out by the Son of God
Then they'd be exposed as total frauds
And they'd find themselves with no congregation
Now what happened next might be hard to believe
But in the courtroom sketch it can clearly be seen
An image straight out of Mark chapter 15
A cross had been raised in the middle of the room
And there was Jesus with his palms nailed through
It was a modern day crucifixion scene
Well your day of judgment is fast approaching
You stole his image, now you'll pay the price
We're the most righteous legal team that the world has ever seen
Oh I'm the attorney for Mr. Jesus
This is the part where I include a line
About how history often has a tendency to rhyme
And when you take note of the pattern
It goes without being said
If you threaten the power of the wealthy you'll end up dead
Amen