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Tom Segura
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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Here's all I'm saying
I can't tell you where to go
I can tell you where not to go
Wherever they film the first 48 on A&E
If you're not familiar with the show, here's what it is
Camera crews follow real homicide detectives for the first 48 hours after a murder
And the reason that that time distinction is so important is that after 48 hours, uh, they give up on that murder
They're like, "that's some old shit
What do you want to do today?"
You're like, "how about you keep trying to solve that murder, man?"
"That shit happened on Monday, it's Wednesday
We're not gonna solve that shit"
Really
There are so many amazing moments on that show, so many
A lot of the episodes take a similar path
I'm blown away first of all at how many times there's a witness to a murder, it's crazy
I always thought murders happen in dark alleys
Nobody saw shit, no
Every other episode they're like, "you see that shit?"
And I was like, "I saw that shit, yeah"
"Where?"
"Right fucking here"
"Really, I was standing here
And then he killed that dude there"
"What did he look like?"
"He was like 5'2 to 6'8, something like that"
"That's the fucking description you're gonna give us?"
"Uh-huh"
"Anything else about him?"
"Yeah, he had ears, too"
"Thanks, man"
"No problem"
They still will sketch that shit out
And they show it to people
"Do you know this guy?"
And everyone's like, "nah"
But then one guy will be like
"Yeah, that's Cricket right there!"
You're like, "oh shit, you know him?"
"I've been knowing Cricket 27 years!"
"What's his real name?"
"Man, that's just Cricket, I don't even know him"
Stopping white and weird
That's a perfect fucking impression, and you know exactly who that was, okay?
Yeah, he's a black guy and he's wearing a wife beater and he's got on a dirty hat
He's got a cigarette hangin' out of his mouth
He looks like he's about 33 but you find out he's 76 years old
And he speaks super aggressively to the cops
"I've been out here for a minute!"
They're like, "all right, all right, Jesus Christ"
"When was the last time you saw him?"
"He came through with jellyfish last week
They were looking for some smoke"
They're like, "all right, Jesus Christ"
They always cut to the whitest detective from that guy, too
They cut from that guy to the guy who's like, "I don't think he's going to help us out"
"We're going to have to find Cricket on our own"
That show has the best moment in television
It's the most dramatic thing you could ever see
It's real life, and that is the interrogation
The interrogation is amazing
Because here's the thing about drama
If you wanna have a great, dramatic moment, raise the stakes
Guess what?
There's no higher stakes than somebody being questioned about taking somebody else's life
It's inherently compelling television
It is also super serious
But the detectives insist on using the suspect's street name so the whole thing turns into a fucking cartoon
Like, they're literally like, "your life is on the line
We need to talk to you
Why don't you have a seat, uh, little stank?
Why don't you sit down for a second?
Did you or did you not know Dookie Shoes?"
"I don't know no Dookie Shoes"
"I got a picture of you hanging out with Dookie Shoes"
"I mean, I seen him, I don't know him"
And then they'll throw one bit of evidence against the wall, hoping it'll solve the case
They'll be like, "well, we were talking to Na Men
He said that you were at the 7-Eleven last week"
And he'll be like, "yeah, I shot him in the face"
And you're like, god damn, really?
That's all it took to break you?
Dude, lie
Lie for longer
You can kill somebody
You can't lie for 10 fucking minutes about it?
The dudes will break on anything
They'll be like, "we heard you had on a blue shirt last Friday"
"Yeah, I stabbed those four people"
Dude, a lot of people have blue shirts, man
You can still get out of this
Here's what I've learned watching that show, okay?
Lawyer up
You can't handle that shit
Everybody's like, I'm gonna talk to the cops and straighten this whole thing out
You're gonna do 25 to life
Have fun with that, man
Nobody asked for a lawyer
I've seen 300 people get interrogated on this show
Two of them were like, "can I talk to a lawyer?"
And both times, the detectives were like, fuck!
And then, at the end of those episodes that sat on the screen, all charges against Tayshaun were dropped
Or Jim, pick a fucking name
Let's be honest
There's no Jims on the show
I've seen every episode
And none start with, "hey, Bryce, can we talk to you for a second, man?
Where were you last Friday?"
"I was over at Tanner's house
Then Skyler had a party, so we went over there
And then we picked up Connor and we had pancakes
Sorry, bro
Good detective, bro, bro"
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