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When Federic Was a Little Lad
The Pirates of Penzance
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When Frederic was a little lad
He proved so brave and daring
His father thought he'd 'prentice him
To some career seafaring
I was, alas, his nurserymaid
And so it fell to my lot
To take and bind the promising boy
Apprentice to a pi-lot
A life not bad for a hearty lad
Though surely not a high lot
Though I'm a nurse, you might do worse
Than make your boy a pi-lot
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I was a stupid nurserymaid
On breakers always steering
And I did not catch the word a'right
Through being hard of hearing
Mistaking my instructions which
Within my brain did gyrate
I took and bound this promising boy
Apprentice to a pi-rate
A sad mistake it was to make
And doom him to a vile lot
I bound him to a pirate, you!
Instead of to a pi-lot
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I soon found out beyond all doubt
The scope of this disaster
But I hadn't the face to return to my place
And break it to my master
A nurserymaid is not afraid
Of what you people call work
So I made up my mind to go as a kind
Of piratical maid of all work
And that is how you find me now
A member of this shy lot
Which you wouldn't have found
Had he been bound
Apprentice to a pi-lot
Oh, pardon! Frederic, pardon!
Rise, sweet one, I have long pardoned you
The two words were so much alike!
They were. They still are, though years have rolled over their heads
But this afternoon my obligation ceases
Individually, I love you all with affection unspeakable
But, collectively, I look upon you with a disgust that amounts to absolute detestation
Pity me, my beloved friends
For such is my sense of duty that, once out of my indentures
I shall feel myself bound to devote myself heart and soul to your extermination
Poor lad, poor lad!
Frederic, if you conscientiously feel that it is your duty to destroy us
We cannot blame you for acting on that conviction
Always act in accordance with the dictates of your conscience, my boy
And chance the consequences!
Besides, we can offer you but little temptation to remain with us
We don't seem to make piracy pay
I'm sure I don't know why, but we don't
Well, I do know why, but, alas
I cannot tell you, it wouldn't be right
Why not?
It's only half-past eleven, and you are one of us until the clock strikes twelve
True, and until then you are bound to protect us
Hear, hear!
Well, then, it's my duty, as a pirate, to tell you that you are too tenderhearted!
For instance, you make it a point of never attacking a weaker party than yourselves
And when you attack a stronger one you invariably get thrashed
There is some truth in that
Then, again, you make it a point of never molesting an orphan
Of course! We are orphans ourselves, and know what it is
Yes, but it has got about, and what is the consequence?
Every one we capture says he's an orphan
The last three ships we took proved to be manned entirely by orphans
And so we let them go
One would think that Great Britain's mercantile fleet was recruited solely from her orphan asylums
And we know this is not the case
Well, hang it all!
You wouldn't have us absolutely merciless?
There is my problem
Until twelve o'clock, I would
After twelve, I wouldn't
Oh, was ever a man placed in so delicate a situation?
And Ruth, your own Ruth, whom you love so well
And who has won her middle-aged way into your boyish heart
What is to become of her?
Oh, he will take you with him
Well, Ruth, I feel some little difficulty about you
It is true I admire you very much
But, I have been constantly at sea since I was eight years old
And yours is the only woman's face I have seen in that time
I think it is a sweet face
It is โ oh, it is!
I say I think it is, that is my impression
But as I have never had the opportunity of comparing you with other women
I just may be mistaken
True
Oh, what a terrible thing it would be if I were to marry this innocent person
To find out that she is, on the whole, plain!
Oh, Ruth is very well, very well indeed
Yes, there are the remains of a fine woman about Ruth
Do you think so?
I do
Well then, I will not be so selfish as to take her with me
In justice to her, and in consideration for you, sir
I will leave her behind
Ah, uh, no, no, no no, Frederic, no, this must not be, no
No, we are rough men, who lead a rough life
We are not so utterly heartless as to deprive thee of thy love
I think I am right in saying that there is not one here who would rob thee
Of this inestimable treasure for all the world holds dear
Not one!
No, I thought there wasn't
No, Frederic, keep thy love, keep thy love!
You're very good, I'm sure
Well, it's the top of the tide, and we must be off
Frederic, farewell
When your process of extermination begins
Let our deaths be as swift and painless as you can conveniently make them
I will! By the love I have for you, I swear it!
Would that you could render this extermination unnecessary
By accompanying me back to civilization
No, Frederic, it cannot be. I don't think much of our profession
But, contrasted with respectability, it is comparatively honest
No, Frederic, I shall live and die a Pirate King!
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