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Mariachi and the New York Post
John Mulaney
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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I uh, I was psyched to do it in New York
I'm really happy to live here
And was glad I could do it, in New York City
And I'm not sure how you all got here tonight
But I did want to say this
I've never been killed by hitmen
So I don't know what it's like in the moments
Just before you're killed by hitmen
But I bet it's not unlike when you're on the subway
And you realise that a mariachi band is about to start playing
Just that brief moment, where you're reading
And you're like
"Oh, a guitar player"
"Oh, another guitar player"
"Oh, an accordion player"
"Oh no"
This is the loudest thing in the world!
I was really excited a lot of people showed up
They told me it was a big theatre and I thought that no one would come
So thank you for coming, I wanted to like
Take ads out in the paper, or like
Be- Y'know, do something to a tot
So I'd get in the New York Post or something
The New York Post is my favorite newspaper
I think it's great, I read it every day
I like reading the New York Post because
Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone
Who heard the news, and now they're trying to give you the gist
It's like, you get the same amount of information
If you grabbed someone on the street and you were like
"What happened today?"
And they're like "There's a perv in Queens!"
And you're like "Alright, thank you"
Or rather, it's like someone read a better newspaper
And now they're trying to text you everything they can remember
It doesn't have to be right, it just has to be short
I really do love the post, I read it a lot and there's a hierarchy
In the New York Post
Different people that they like
And different people that they don't like
And if you pay attention, you can start to identify
Some of the New York Post's rankings that they have
The number one thing you can be
In the eyes of the New York Post, is an Angel
An Angel is a child who has died
That is the best thing you can be in the eyes of the New York Post
The less amount of time you live, the better
In the eyes of the Post
After that, under an Angel is a Hero
A Hero is any man who does his job
You'll a lot of times see headlines that are like
"Hero Tutor Teaches After School"
And you're like, "Yeah"
Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are Pervs
Pervs touch Tots
Tots are Angels who haven't died yet
There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post
You're either a Tot, or you're dead and you're an Angel
I did leave one out, sorry
Above Perv, is a Bozo
A Bozo is any man who cheats on his wife
"That guy's a Bozo!"
I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife
And it says, "Tiger says he's sorry, but Elin says, 'Beat it, Bozo!'"
No she did not
She is from another country
And even if she was from this country, no one has said "Bozo"
In a thousand years
Who was your source on that, New York Post?
Some tiny old lady that chainsmokes all day long
They met her in a parking garage and they were like
"Madge, give us the scoop!"
"What did Elin say to Tiger?"
"Ah, she told him to 'beat it, bozo!'"
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