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Rogue's Gallery
The Stupendium
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I may not look it,
But I went to an art school, you know...
and I stole Ilike eight crates of acrilic before I tripped the alarm
[Hnn hehe]
Anywho
what can I do for you pal?
You look like a fine, upstanding island representative
The kind who understand an enterprise
when they're presented with
access to a wonderland
of fine authentic decoratives.
Except that there's just a chance
you might detect they're edited.
It's nothing underhanded.
Why, it's simple etiquette.
Someone's gotta lose
or else the price is not competitive.
I may be discredited.
But you need some art exhibits.
And I'm the only guy upon this island who is selling it.
Got a little bit of post-impressionism, neoclassical, surrealism, art nouverau.
[Ohhh]
But if you hit me with a host of questions
quizzing, be all asking if it's real?
Well, it's hard to know.
But the problem is:
Would I lie to you?
After all, we're cousins, I've decided.
Ooh, you want a statue?
I got a whole load in this old boat.
If they don't go then the hull might smash through.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
No retractions.
No receipts.
Refund laws may stand on land,
but not transactions planned at sea.
So if you've a gallery,
lacking in a masterpiece.
Head down to the beach,
I wouldn't cheat ya pal,
we're family.
You want the Venus De Milo for nook miles?
Oh please.
Think a Donatello's gonna fall out of an oak tree?
Think another barge is gonna barge in
back of your garden,
with a better bargain?
There won't be!
Got a sweet deal on a real Michelangelo.
Go to a guy in a van for my Van Goghs.
Can't be picky when you're picking a Picasso.
Doesn't even matter when you're painting where your hand goes.
Screw your turnips.
I can turn a profit taking turns at taking turners
and turning then into takings.
Earning paper from discerning patrons.
No return or trade-ins!
All these bargain I got for you,
Here's a lautrec that I'd hate Toulouse(to lose)
Buy it!
You ain't got all day to peruse.
Try it or I'll make you pay by the view.
You haven't got the money for a Manet or Matisse.
But I probably got a Monet you can have it on the cheap.
I got millet by the million.
It's more than I can keep.
So you really better buy them,
or I'll toss them in the deep.
You bought your Hieronymus bosch outright?
Gosh, how nice!
Want advice?
You coulda bought a lotta Botticellis
from the fella at the jetty for a knock-down price.
Kandinsky?
Can-do-ski!
Got a line on a fine one back in new leaf.
Got a whole back room of own-brand Rembrandts.
Here's a Vermeer!
Don't look at that Jewellery.
All the greatest artist even known,
sailing around your archipelago.
Who needs authentication when there's a saving?
The owl's on his way?
Then I'd better go.
HOO what?
I have on close examination of this painting.
I...I have grave news to share with you.
This work of art...
Is a fake!
What kind of wretched scoundrel
would commit such fraudulent forgery to canvas!
Oh that hurts!
Satisfaction guaranteed.
No retractions.
No receipts.
Refund laws may stand on land,
but not transactions planned at sea.
So if you've a gallery,
lacking in a masterpiece.
Head down to the beach,
I wouldn't cheat ya pal,
we're family.
Can't afford all the money I charge?
Forgery?
Nah! It's a loving homage!
Felon? I'm not! I'm a renaissance fox!
Honestly only a little ar large!
So don't be frugal.
Buy that Bruegel.
I got Dagas for days.
Cezannes's in season.
Sure, that Seurat would look great at your place!
Cuz I got a lotta costs to offset.
I spend a lotta dollar on that Bob Ross box set.
So any members of the management
might have a happy little accident if they object.
To my entrepreneurial oeuvre.
Largely consists of reiding the Louvre.
Taking the paintings and tracing the loot.
Then passing the savings directly to you!
Often my copies are just so convincing.
I'll quite accidently sell the origional.
Though letting residents purchance the evidence,
saves me from shredding them.
Thus they're the cirminal.
Say I'm a fake and it hurts.
Say I'm just after a way to your purse?
Say that to my face?
You''ll save on the hearse.
You don't need a wake for a Damien Hirst.
So if your podunk little home
wants cultural acclaim.
There's just one choice of vender, friend.
And Crazy Radd's the name!
But, if you're dissatisfied.
Then someone gets to blame.
You can canvas all my customers.
They''ll tell ya,
I was framed!
Tom Nook here with an island announcement.
An unscrupulous character has been seen
lingering at the back of the island.
Do not talk to him.
Alright?
Hey that's my cue to go.
But uhh...
That eight-foot stone head you ordered?
I'll mail it to ya.
How big's your mail box?