Philosophy/Religion/College...
Steve Martin
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But I am into the intellectual thing, I went to college
I studied the great philosophers, Socrates, I studied Plato
You know, you learn the important things
Like, if you're studying geology which is all facts
As soon as you get out of school you forget it all, you know?
Because it's just numbers and things
But philosophy you remember just enough
To screw you up for the rest of your life
Then you studied the important like ethical questions
Is it ok to yell "movie" in a crowed fire house?
Uh, religious questions, does the Pope shit in the woods?
I keep waiting sometime, If there is a God give me a sign, see?
I told you, wa wo, wa, wo, wouldn't it be weird if you died
And you woke up, and you were in heaven, just like they always told you?
Everybody had wings on and pearly gates
Wouldn't you feel stupid? "Oh no, You mean that this is what? Awww
In college they said this was all bullshit, oh then
Well, I'll just come in, what? You've been keeping records on me?
Well, I wasn't so bad, how many times did I take the Lord's name in vain?
Oh, million and six? Jesus Chri-"
We're going to get to the meat of the act pretty soon
I'm just kind of coasting here, what do you want for four dollars?
A real show or something? I don't need this, you know what I mean?
I'm a neat guy, more wine
Ahh, it's so hard, it's so hard to believe in anything anymore
You know what I mean? It's like, religion
I mean you can't really take it seriously because it seems so mythological
And it seems so arbitrary, and then on the other hand science
You know, is just pure empiricism and by virtue of its method
It excludes metaphysics and uh, I guess I wouldn't believe
In anything if not for my lucky astrology mood watch
College, You feel so small, you know, You go to college
You study about guys like Leonardo, who did everything
A scientist, a pair, a great, a great painter
A great architect and designer, and you feel like an idiot
I wanted to expand my life in the way that Leonardo did
And that's why I took up juggling, I know what you're saying
You're saying, "Steve, where do you find time to juggle?"
Well, I juggle in my mind, whoops, okay, um
But people look at guys, like, like the Mona Lisa
Ha, ha, ha, Leonardo's Mona Lisa, and they think
"Oh, that's not so great" But not a lot of people know this
The Mona Lisa was painted with one stroke
He just went pllft,"How's this?"
Ok, I'm sorry, alright, ok, ok, ah
Excuse me, just went to the Bahamas for a second
Well, anyway, I guess you can tell that, uh I'm into language
Language is kinda my thing being a comedian
And uh, if you don't have a command of the language
Nothing to be embarrassed about but, uh
Because this is uh, my profession and uh, let's face it
Some people have a way with words, and other people
Oh, not have a way, See I'm into language
You have to have a command of the English language or you're just nowhere
I mean, like, take, say you get out college or whatever you're doing
You're gonna go into business, say you're going to open a bank
Now you, just for example, you've got to give it the right name
It's got to be something big and strong
Like Security First Trust and Federal Reserve
And you have to name a bank that because nobody
Is going to put their money in Fred's Bank "Hi, I'm Fred
I have a bank, You got $1,500? I'll put it, I'll put it here
In my white suit, white suit, right-hand pocket
Ok, you gotta remember that."
I got a great dirty trick you can play on a three-year-old kid
See kids learn how to talk by listening to their parents, see?
See, this is a good one you can pull on them, how's it going
See, what you do, you have a three-year-old kid
And you want to play a dirty trick on them
Whenever you're around them, you talk wrong
So now it's like his first day in school and he raises his hand
"May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?"
Give that kid a special test, get him out
Let me give you a warning, okay, I was in Paris about two months ago
And, it was just a little vacation, It was on the east coast
I had seven days off and say, "Well I'll just go over there; I'll go to Paris
"But let me give you a warning if you're going over there
Here's an example: chapeau means hat, ouef means egg
It's like those French have a different word for everything
I'm serious, see, you never appreciate your language
Until you go to a foreign country that doesn't have the courtesy
To speak English, I went over there thinking no problem
I don't speak any French; I'm thinking no problem
English is a universal language, everybody
No, I'll just, it'll be easy, I get off the plane
Get into the taxi say to the driver
I dig baby talk, okay, have I started yet? I have, ok
Well then let's just keep going, oh, so, so anyway
You go to Paris, France and um, well, let's go back
To what I was talking about about uh Paris, France
I remember, don't worry, no, so did I say
"A courtesy to speak English?" I said that, ok
Now, I went over there thinking, "Oh everyone's going to speak English
No problem; I don't speak a word of French
It's a universal language, so I'll just be able to speak English."
So I get off the plane; I get into a taxi; the first indication
I'm going to have trouble: I say to the driver
"I'd like to go to a hotel please"
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"Whaat? What is that you're saying?"
So, the first thing you do, this is really dumb
You think this will help, you adopt a French accent
"I would like to go to zee hotel" So that's nothing
So I went out and bought a little French phrase book
Hoping to memorize little phrases, you know
'Can I go to the bathroom, 'things like that'
But French is not like Spanish
Spanish you can sound it out
It's easy for Americans, every vowel is a syllable
"Casa de Pepe, Donde esta casa de Pepe?"
But French is like "jouen de le droit."
"What happened, what happened?"
"He spoke French, help him!"
So the only thing I could remember was cheese omelette
'Omelette du fromage.' I'm practicing all the time
Omlette du fromage, I'm meeting people
"Hey, omlette du fromage" Finally, I got into a restaurant
And go "Omelette du fromage."
And the problem if you order in French
The waiter thinks you speak French, he goes
"Don don speak, doodle vous vour" and you go,"Yes."
He brings you a shoe with cheese on it
And you also told him to force it down your throat
I'll have a shoe with cheese on it; force it down my throat
And I want to massage your grandmother, okay
I finally figured out the secret to ordering food
It's all sound effects, went into a restaurant
Wanted to order milk, eggs, and ham, I go in and I go
The waiter looked and me and goes "I beg your pardon?"
Ok, enough comedy jokes, alright, um
"What's your mood watch say?
Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer