Having My Baby (Lp Version)
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Actually, my wife had the baby two months ago. So how about that, huh?
Thank you. Thank you
I still can't believe it. I really... I really should meet the kid
"I've been busy."
"Oh, that's sad."
The baby's beautiful. It looks just like my wife, except it's black
People say the baby looks like me, but then again, with
My oversized pudgy head, I look like a lot of babies
"He does, he has a fat head!"
It's kinda strange how surprised people
Are when a baby looks like the parent
"The baby looks just like the daddy!"
Yeah, that's the idea
"It also looks like the mommy."
"What are the odds?"
Pretty good odds, really
It's kinda strange we even congratulate
The father. I mean, all I did was have sex
People are like, "Hey, how was the pregnancy? Was it difficult?"
Not for me
I had a good time. I'd do it again in a heartbeat
My wife is amazing. She was in labor for 36 hours
Yeah, I don't think I've ever been awake for 36 hours
Baby came out, she was nine pounds
Don't worry, we already have it on Atkins
No carbs for the baby!
Baby doesn't like Indian food. Learned that the hard way
All the baby eats is milk. That's... yeah, that's gotta be boring
Sometimes when it's screaming a lot, I'll just
Eat a cheeseburger right in front of her
"Enjoy your milk, crybaby!"
"Oh, he's a dick to his own baby."
"That's sad."
We did a home birth, if you're unfamiliar with
That. That means you take the hundreds of years
Of medical knowledge and just throw that away
And you wing it!
"Hey, I can't program a VCR, I'm here to help."
"Where would you like me to stand terrified?
'Cause that will be my contribution."
I tell you, I did learn a lot. I could never have a
Baby. I could never, 'cause I don't have a uterus
But even if I did have a uterus, I don't think I could
Do it. I don't think I could have sex with a man
Unless he looked like me
Then it would be hot
Some Jim-on-Jim action
"That would be a clash of whiteness like you've never seen!"
"That's weird."
"My daughter is 37 days old. Still doesn't have a job."
"Lazy. Just sits around the house eating
And sleeping. I think she's on drugs."
"Smoking that pot."
I quit smoking, not that my wife believes me. Sometimes when
She comes home, the apartment will be filled with smoke
And I'm not sure, but I think the baby smokes
I confronted the baby, I was like, "Look, do you smoke?"
Baby was like, "Ehhhhhh."
"Just answer the question. Do you smoke?"
"Ehhhhhh."
And the baby gave me the finger
That's a true story
"I don't believe anything he says."
"It's crazy."
It's crazy having a newborn. People treat you differently
When you're holding a newborn. Especially in strip clubs
I was like, "Oh, I'm not gonna dance for you."
Yeah, that's professional
"He lost me on that joke."
"I didn't like that joke at all."
Yeah, I know