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Jeff Foxworthy
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Fashion rule number three: tattoos are not for everybody. When I was
A kid, the only people that had tattoos were old guys that had been
In the Navy. You know, and theirs were kind of blurry and faded. You
Couldn't even tell what they were. You're staring at it going, "Well
It's either a naked woman or Willie Nelson using post hole diggers."
But it was the old Navy guys and Hells Angels. But they had the scary
Tattoos, you know, like on their knuckles, like "Love" and "Hate."
My cousin had that, and then one summer he got a job in the carnival
And he got his pinky chopped off. Now his hands say "Love Hat." Ooh
That's intimidating. And I don't have anything against tattoos
I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my
Watch. It would say, "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd. Your
Anniversary is September 18th. Don't let Ron White drive your car
Again." You know, that's what it would say. All I'm saying with
Tattoos is you have to plan ahead just a little bit. You know
Because I think a lot of tattoos are cool when you're young and your
Skin is taunt. But as you get older, that skin's gonna start sagging
You know, ladies, like that little hummingbird. It's real cute when
You're 20, but that bird is gonna fly south for the winter. And 20
Years down the road, you don't want your grandkids crying, going
"I don't want to stay with Grandma. She's got a buzzard on her back
" 'Cause when that skin starts sagging, suddenly that dolphin is a
Beluga whale. And that rose is Rosie O'Donnell with a mouth full of
Leaves. And something else to think about, you know it's gonna be
Real hard for your kids to take you seriously when you tell them
"Say no to drugs," and you got a pot plant tattooed to your neck
Fashion rule number four: if you've given birth more than five times
A tank top is not an acceptable substitute for a bra. There was this
Lady at the book signing, and I don't know what had happened to her
To cause this particular breast configuration, but she had one
Under each arm. She looked like a watermelon delivery boy. Tank tops
Aren't good on anybody, especially those low-cut ones. You know
If your skin is the color of Cool Whip and you have a mole that
Looks like an oatmeal pie, let that be your little secret. Guys, if
You have back titties... I didn't know if you would know what I was
Talking about there. The kind of guys that are walking through the
Mall and nursing babies are going, "Num num, num num." Also, if your
Back's so hairy you've been shot more than twice with a tranquilizer
Gun, say yes to sleeves. I hope Larry is listening to some of this
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