8 Dates
Jo Foster
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So a month ago or so, I was feeling super confident and sexy. And so, of course, I figured, hey, you know what? Iโm gonna just put myself out there and organise some dates...
But oh my babies
There are dates
And then thereโs the stuff IโVE been getting up to...
Friday night, I had pinned a
Date in the diary with a boy from Tinder
Six foot three, worked in the city
Boring job but he were pretty
(Ooh)
He said
Where and when?
(Ooh)
I said meet at ten
Kinda late but it gave me a bit more
Time to make sure I looked fit
Have a shower, style my hair
Spend an hour on what to wear
Painting my nails and shaving my face and
Making my bed....just in case
Put my favourite Beyoncรฉ on
Drink a glass of Sauvignon Blanc
Iโm looking so glamorous, feeling alright
And I text the boy, โstill on for tonight?โ
*send*
*ding*
Itโs getting late...
Yeah
*send*
*ding*
And I canโt wait...
Yeah?
*send*
*ding*
...to head home, cos Iโm actually knackered, are you free next week instead?
Sure!
*send*
*ding*
So sorry!
Donโt worry, just lemme know when, no hurry!
*send*
Hey girl
Hey girl
Letโs go out
(oh)
The second I hit the floor
Everything from before
Fades away
Cos Iโm dancing from the window to the wall
(ooh-ooh)
Who cares about that guy
(ooh-ooh)
Who left me high and dry?
(ooh-ooh)
Itโs no big deal
And it doesnโt affect my self-esteem at all
Cos I might have had
One date cancel
But Iโm feeling fine about it
So yeah, these things happen
Yeah, exactly, it was no big deal
I mean, sure, I wasted a bit of time shaving my... legs
Nevermind cos one week later
I met a cute gallery curator
Wanna rip off his double denim
Make his bed like Tracy Emin
(Ooh)
So we set a date
(Ooh)
Wednesday at the Tate
Then he cancelled, but he said:
Hey letโs do Saturday instead?
One more day for getting ready
Haircut, wet shave, mani-pedi
Pop all my pimples, primp up my face
Havenโt wanked all week - just in case ;)
Getting nervous, google Van Gogh
Down a pint of Cabernet Sauv
Order an uber and when they arrive
I text the boy โhey, see you in 5?โ
*send*
You on your way?
*send*
....hey?
*send*
Hello...?
*send*
Hey girl
Aw not again
Itโs fine!
Letโs go out
(oh)
The second I hit the town
Forget he let me down
And I get down
Cos the club
Canโt even handle me right now
(ooh-ooh)
Wonโt chop off my ear
(ooh-ooh)
For boys who donโt appear
(ooh-ooh)
Itโs no big deal
And all art is pretentious bullshit anyhow
So I might have had
Three dates cancel-
*ding*
Hey, really sorry, only just got home and charged my phone - listen, ugh, Iโve had an absolute nightm-
But Iโm feeling fine about it
Took a risk with date number 4
Bit awkward cos we snogged before
But I thought he might not dismiss me
Cos at least once he tried to kiss me
(Ooh)
He said:
Okay sure
(Ooh)
Iโve got a rugby tour
But Iโve got time before my flight
So call me up later on tonight
Pluck my brows, ring him on the phone
(Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep)
Hear the international dial tone
Date number 5 and Iโm excited
Feels like this time somethingโs right
He *ding* didnโt seem like the type to...
*boop*
Omigosh no, of course, itโs totally fine, ugh appendicitis is the worst - you get that thing out of there!! Hahaha...
Date no. 6, Iโm feeling shoddy
If he cancels, might kill someb-
*ding*
Date no. seven
*ding*
D-
*ding*
Date Nine, now the first oneโs back in touch
(Do I always sweat this much?)
Says heโll meet me at the bar
โYay canโt waitโ
*send*
HA HA HA
Wash my body for an hour
You canโt see tears in the shower!!
Tissues and ice-cream are ready in place
Downloaded Titanic - just in case
Pose before my full length mirror
Analyse my every flaw
Come to accept Iโll be fine on my own as I
Crawl into bed, go to turn off my phone
*ding*
Work kept me late...
So sorry I went straight...
...to the bar but Iโm a bit early, so no rush, canโt wait!
R u sure?
What?
I mean, great! Just heading out the door!
*send*
HEY GIRL
Iโm on my way
NO, HEโS THERE
WHAT?
IโM GOING OUT!!
WOO!
The second I hit the bar
I spot him from afar
And I know my heart will go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I pull up a chair
Thereโs magic in the air
As he leans in and says:
Have you done something new with your hair?
(Ahhhh)
SOMEONE CARES!!!!
Aaaaahhh!!!
I seem to make him laugh
Heโs friendly to the staff
And he tells me about the stock exchange
For an hour and a half!
He says:
This was fun
Walks me home at half-past 1
He asks if Iโve got any plans this weekend, I say โNONE!โ
(NONE!)
Cos I mightโve had
One two three four five six squish uh-uh cicero lipschitz seven
Eight dates cancel
Cancel
But number nine was alright