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Titties N Beer
Frank Zappa
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It was the blackest night, there was no moon in sight
You know the stars ain't shinin' 'cause the sky's too tight
Heard the scarey wind, I seen some ugly trees
There was a werewolf honkin' 'long the side of me
I'm mean and I'm bad, you know I ain't no sissy
Got a big-titty girly by the name of Chrissy
Talkin' about her and my bike and me
And this ride up the mountain of mystery, mystery
I can't come over there because it'll feedback if I stand in front of that
I noticed even the crickets actin' weird up here
And so I figured I might just drink a little beer
I said, "Give me some of that what you're suckin' on"
But there was no reply 'cause she had gone
"Where's those titties I like so well?
And my goddamn beer" is what I started to yell
Then I heard this noise, like a crunchin' twig
And up jumped the Devil, he's about this big
He had a red suit on and a widow's peak
And then a pointed tail and like a sulphur reek
Yes, it was him alright, I sweared I knowed it was
He had some human flesh stuck underneath his claws
You know, it looked to me like it was titty skin
I said, "You son of a bitch" 'cause I was mad at him
Well, he just got out his floss and started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter, said, "Bang-bang-bang-bang"
Then the sucker just laughed 'n said
Put it away, you know, I ate her all up
Now what you gonna say?
You ate my Chrissy? (Yeah, titties 'n all)
Well, what about the beer then? (Now were the cans this tall?)
Even her boots? (Would I lie to you?)
Shit, you must've been hungry (yeah, this is true)
Don't they pay you good for the stuff that you do?
Well, you know, I can't complain when the checks come through
Well, I want my Chrissy and I want my beer (oh, yeah?)
So you just barf it back up now, Devil, do you hear?
Listen, blow it out your ass, motorcycle man
I mean, I am the Devil, do you understand?
Just what will you give me for your titties and beer?
I suppose you noticed this little contract here
You're goddam right, you son of a whore (don't call me that)
That's about the only reason I learned writin' for
Gimme that paper, bet yer horns I'll sign
Because I need a beer and it's titty-squeezin' time
Man, you can't fool me, you ain't that bad
What, you shoulda seen some of the souls that I've had
There was Milhous Nixon and Agnew, too
And both of those suckers was worse than you
Let's make a deal if you think that's true
I mean, you're supposed to be the Devil so whatcha gonna do?
Now just hold on a second, you say you want to make a deal with me? (Yeah)
Well, man, a cloud of doom kinda covers my mind when you say that you want to make a deal with me
I mean, you know, most people don't want to make a deal with me, you know
They might be kind of afraid of the consequences, you know?
Yeah, we see, I'm not your average customer
Oh, yeah? Well, what are you all about, man?
Hey, listen, I'm a regular guy
I'm the same as most of the people in this audience here, you know
Just you know, I mean, me and him, this guy over here with the hat, I mean, he can be my brother
You know? (Oh yeah?)
Hey, what I'm trying to say to you, boy, is I'll make the deal with you
I'm happy to make the deal
You can have my soul, it's a mean little sucker
'Bout a 1000 years old
Once you get it you can't give it back
You gotta keep it forever and that's a natural fact
All you gotta do, you just help me take care of a little business. All right?
Well, I, I don't know, man (come on, just say "Yes")
Okay. Yes
Alright. Because you're the devil and I know you've got a lot of connections in Washington
Yeah. Plenty
Here's what I want you to do. I want you to arrange an anti-trust investigation
An anti-trust investigation?
Sure, should be a simple thing for you
Here's what you do, you have to investigate the fact that Warner Brothers Records and Capitol Records have the same law firm
The law firm is called Gang, Tyre & Brown (yeah)
Now there's only a couple of law firms in Hollywood that handle things relating to the music business, you see
And they've got it all tied up
And what happens is, when a new artist comes to a record company, and they don't have a manager and they don't have a lawyer
The record company in many instances sends the unsuspecting young artist to the law firm that also happens to represent the record company
Thereby causing a conflict of interest and sticking it right up the poop chute of the person who's making the music (oh, yeah)
You see? (Yeah)
So I thought that maybe because you were the devil and you were on such good terms with all those other assholes in Washington
That you could just put in a word, you know
And recommend that somebody investigate the anti-trust implications of major record companies all having the same law firm
And law firms only get the job because they have connections elsewhere
So I think what you ought to do is take those law firms with the connections elsewhere away from the record companies
And give the people who want to make a record contract a chance to do something fair and square
And after you do that, I want titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
Titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer, titties and beer
No, don't sign it, give me time to think
Hold on a second, boy 'cause that's Magic Ink
And then the Devil barfed and out jumped my girl
They heard the titties plop-ploppin'
All around the world, she said
"I got three beers and a fisful of downs
And I'm gonna get ripped, so fuck you clowns"
Then she gave us the finger, it was rigid ans stiff
That's when the Devil, he farted
And she went right over the cliff
The Devil was mad, I took off to my pad
I swear I do declare gow did she get back there?
Swear I do declare how did she get back there?
Swear I do declare how did she get back there?
Swear I do declare how did she get back there?
Alright
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