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National Shite Day
Half Man Half Biscuit
Popularity ยท Low
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๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
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Pulling the ice axe from my leg
I staggered on
Spindrift stinging my remaining eye
I finally managed to reach the station
Only to find that the bus replacement service had broken down
After wondering to myself whether or not it should actually be called a train replacement service
I walked out onto the concourse and noticed the giant screen seemed to have been tampered with
Probably by a junior employee
Disgruntled commuters were being regaled with some dismal TVM
Involving a tug-of-love-custody-battle
Stockard Channing held sway
Down in the High Street somebody careered out of Boots without due care or attention
I suggest that they learn some pedestrian etiquette
I.e. sidle out of the store gingerly
Embrace the margin
Fat kids with sausage rolls
Poor sods conducting polls
There's a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets
I try to put everything into perspective
Set it against the scale of human suffering
And I thought of the Mugabe government
And the children of the Calcutta railways
This works for a while
But then I encounter Primark FM
Overhead a rainbow appears
In black and white
Shite Day
I guess this must be National Shite Day
This surely must be National Shite Day
Don't tell me, it's National Shite Day
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Float... float on
Float... float on
Barry... Herpes
I got a letter from Stringy Bob
Still on suicide watch
Screws not happy
Spotted a Marsh Fritillary during association
Was roundly ignored
What news you
I felt sorry for him
He'd only been locked up for public nuisance offences
One of which saw him beachcombing the Dee Estuary
Found a dead wading bird
Took it home, parcelled it up, and sent it off to the rubber-faced irritant Phil Cool
With a note inside which read: "Is this your Sanderling?"
Another time saw him answering an advert in the music press
"Keyboard player required: Doors, Floyd, etc.
Must be committed, no time wasters"
You can guess the rest
I always imagined he would simply wander off some day into the hills
To be found months later
His carcass stripped by homeless dogs
His exposed skull a perch for the quartering crow
I folded away the letter and put it in my inside pocket
All of a sudden I felt brushed by the wings of something dark
May the Lord have mercy on Stringy Bob
Shite Day
I do believe it's National Shite Day
It all points to National Shite Day
Someone's declared it National Shite Day
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Shite Day
My birthday! On National Shite Day
No bogroll, it's National Shite Day
Cue drumroll, it's National Shite Day
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