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David Hyde Pierce & Ensemble-You Won't Succeed On Broadway
Broadway
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Lyrics
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Have you heard of this Broadway?
Yes sire. And we don't stand a chance there!
Why not?
Because!
Broadway is a very special place, filled with very special people.
People who can sing and dance! Often at the same time!
They are a different people! A multitalented people!
A people who need people!
And who are, in many ways, the luckiest people in the world.
I'm sorry sire. We don't have a chance!
But why?
Well... let me put it like this.
ย
In any great adventure, if you don't want to lose
Victory depends upon the people that you choose
So listen, Arthur, darling, closely to this news
We won't succeed on Broadway if we don't have any Jews
You may have the finest sets
Fill the stage with penthouse pets
You may have the loveliest costumes and best shoes
You may dance and you may sing
But I am sorry, Arthur King
You'll hear no cheers
Just lots and lots of boos
(Boo!)
You may have butch men by the score
Whom the audience adore
You may even have some animals from zoos
Though you've Poles and Krauts instead
You may have unleavened bread
But I tell you, you are dead
If you don't have any Jews
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They won't care if it's witty
Or everything looks pretty
They'll simply say it's shitty and refuse
Nobody will go, sir
If it's not kosher, then no show, sir
Even goyim won't be dim enough to choose
Put on shows that make men stare with lots of girls in underwear
You may even have the finest of reviews
(You're doing great!)
But the audiences won't care sir
As long as you don't dare sir
To open up on Broadway
If you (we) don't have any Jews
ย
You may have dramatic lighting
Or lots of horrid fighting
You may even have some white men sing the blues
Your knights may be nice boys
But sadly we're all goys
And that noise that you call singing, you must lose!
So despite your pretty lights
And naughty girls in nasty tights
And the most impressive scenery you use
You may have dancing mano e mano
You may bring on a piano
But they will not give a damn-o
If you don't have any Jews
ย
Hey!
Oh, oy!
Oh, oy!
You may fill your plays with gays
Have Nigerian girls in stays
You may even have some shiksas making stews
You haven't got a clue
If you don't have a Jew
All of your investments you are going to lose
There's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing Gentile
I'm sad to be the one with this bad news
Never mind your swordplay
You just won't succeed on Broadway
You just don't succeed on Broadway
If you don't have any Jews
Papa, can you hear me?
To get along on Broadway
To sing a song on Broadway
To hit the top on Broadway and not lose
I tell you, Arthur King
There is one essential thing
There simply must be
Simply must be Jews
There simply must be
Arthur, trust me
Simply must be Jews!
ย