(Our Stories)
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If I'd broken my arm it would have been better 'cause people could
See it, but I have a mental illness. I was working in a very high
Pressure job and we had moved to a different part of the country
Where we knew no one, we had no support network. I kept pushing
Through and pushing through and pushing through 'cause I was
Literally the only person in the company who could do a major
Project, so everything was relying on me. It all just came too much
And one day I was working at home and I literally broke. I was on
The phone to a colleague at the time, he put the phone down as
Quickly as he could and phoned my boss. My boss rang me and it was
Already too late. All I wanted to do was hide in a corner and cry
In 2006, my son was born. I was 22 years old. I... then when he became
A week old, I was then diagnosed with very, very severe postnatal
Depression. I didn't know what this was, I'd never heard of postnatal
Depression. It wasn't talked about when I was pregnant, it wasn't
Talked about during my antenatal classes, it wasn't talked about
After I gave birth. It just wasn't talked about. I suffered
Horrifically with postnatal depression for the first two and
A half years of my son's life. I thought I was a bad mother
I thought he'd be better off without me, I thought I couldn't
Do it. I didn't want to harm him, but I did want to put him in
His bassinet at two weeks old, walk away and never come back
Because I truly believed my son would be better off without me
And would have a better life with his dad than he would with me
I learnt at the age of seven how to build a wall and not show anybody
How I was really feeling. Went through a lot of bullying obviously
And not wanting to be here because everything was too tough back
Then. My biggest escape would be music, chucking music on and just
Driving, um, anything to help me escape what I'm going through
Live gigs obviously the biggest one, I can pretend I'm not there and
Just escape the world. A lot of friends don't know how to react, so
They just tend to shut away, not talk to me, not do the "Hey, how
Are you doing?" I get tired of got attitude and basically don't sleep
I felt like it made me weak and I didn't want other people to think
Differently of me. I didn't want to change their perception of me
Um, if I spoke about anxiety or depression or having any sort of
Mental health issue, what were they gonna think of me? How was it
Gonna change their opinion? Uh, what would my mum think? What would
My family think? I can remember through my teen years, uh, I can
Remember the constant anxiety of performing well, whether
It be at school or sport or music or acting or anything
And the way that that would affect me. But yet I was
Worried to ever acknowledge any of that because, you know
I was this happy kid and, and I liked doing these things
There's a lot that sort of weighs on my shoulders as far as
Organisation goes within all of the things that I do, and I can feel
When those start to weigh too heavily and when I start to feel like
There's too much happening and I feel it all like an actual physical
Weight upon me. I feel like that everything becomes dark and I can
Sort of feel when I'm on the verge of this kind of breakdown
And yet actually this is when I should be able to turn around
And say to my family, "Oh, I, I'm struggling right now," and
Yet I still find that incredibly difficult. So when that kicks
In, that's when the anxiety starts and then I become constantly
Anxious about everything that's going on to the point that I then
Can't function anymore. Everything becomes too much, and then
Because of that, the depression kicks in because I become angry
And I become irritable towards my family and I don't want to be
That. Shit, I'm probably that right now, to be perfectly honest
So I live with chronic pain and illness. Um, my illnesses are
Invisible. I also deal with, um, anxiety. Um, I f- I just
I find it extremely hard. I have days where things are so dark
I don't even know how I'm gonna get out of the hole. I've lost
Friends, I've lost family. They just don't understand. They don't
Understand a bad day to me can mean, what, the end of my world
I've grown up being fat-checked with a skin condition and
Continuously got bullied. I've faced the harsh reality
Of pain medication addiction and the battle to overcome it
I've also dealt with prenatal and postnatal depression
...My mental health got challenged big time when my life and
Everything I knew completely fell apart around me. Nine years ago
When my relationship ended, I had no choice but to start everything
My depression and anxiety were at peak level. I had no choice
But to go on antidepressants and see a psychologist frequently
Uh, I would say that I struggled for the better part of twenty-
Five years with major depression, and, um, come to realize that I
Also have complex PTSD from the long-term abuse of my mother and
Just undealt with, um, issues from my past. I struggled a lot in
My adolescent years, uh, with bullying, and at one point was held
Upside down in a headlock, being choked until I passed out. That
Was very scarring for me. I thought I was going to die back then
And, uh, for a large part of my life, I wish I would have. So, my
Struggle a lot of times has been with being, being invisible or
Feeling invisible to those around me. Um, you know, when you grow up
In that environment where you're constantly alone, a lot of the times
That settles in later in life as well, and that happened to me. I was
Very withdrawn, I was very isolated, and I felt very misunderstood
...And my grandmother passed away when I was thirteen, which really
Hit me hard, 'cause her and I were really, really close, and she
Was the person who I could go through and talk to about anything
Um, and I was at the point of talking to her about stuff that
Had happened to me a few years prior, and then everything happened
With her, um, passing away. And long story short, really, um
My life from then really turned to hell. I went up and down
Through lots of emotions and roller coasters, through numerous
Attempts with suicide, by overdosing. I've even tried to hang myself
Uh, one of my closest friends took his life, and that's kinda when the
Cracks really started to show in everybody, not just in myself
I noticed other people suffering, too. But as a fifteen-year-old
Kid, it was, it was hard to talk about. Um, as I got older
I couldn't really shake all the thing- all the things that people
Told me I was as a kid, and it really started to settle in to the
Point where I really, I really believed it. I didn't wanna stand
Out. I didn't wanna get noticed. I just wanted to blend into the
Background, and the only way I could control that was through my
Physical appearance. By the time I was twenty-three years old
I was forty-five kgs. I was literally dying to fit in. Uh, by that
Point, uh, it was physically impossible to hide what was going on
And for the longest time, I was terrified to speak up. Uh, losing
A friend to suicide, you can definitely gain a perspective on how
People view mental illness. Uh, most people are understanding
They've been through it. They know someone who's been through it
But sadly, you do hear a lot of negatives, too. People
Who don't understand, they don't get it. Uh, they
See it as a weakness. I thought maybe I was just weak
I needed to bite the bullet and just get on with it
...My stepfather was given full custody of me, and ages three to
Twelve, he would beat me, and I hadn't known my real mother
I didn't know my real father. Um, and I still remember the last
Day I went into school. I had gone in, like, I think I went once
In second grade. I asked the nurse for an aspirin, 'cause I had
A headache, and she was like, "Oh, why?" And I was like, "Well
My daddy hit me." And I didn't think it was a big deal. I thought
It was normal. You know, I was bad, I got hit, like, whatever
So, it started from there, and my family got mad at me, and I didn't
Know why anyone was mad at me. Sorry. Sometimes it's still gets
Hard to talk about. Um, it just sucks being twelve and making a
Plan to survive and escape such a bad environment. It fucks you up