Skip to content
Lyric
Dive
Public playlists
My playlists
Search
Sign in
These Jokes
Demetri Martin
Popularity ยท Low
+
๐ฌ๐ง English ยท Original
0
0
Listen
YouTube
1
2
3
0:00 / 0:00
Loading YouTube player...
Lyrics offset
Synced
Lyrics
Original
Translation
Bilingual
I'd like to invite my friend Leo onto the stage to help me with something
Leo Allen, everybody
Some of my jokes, I think there's a visual component to them that would be lost on the CD
Without maybe some accompanying description
So Leo will describe the parts of the joke that are essential
To know about that you can't see if you're just listening to this
Right, for people who aren't here, right, or-or blind people
I mean, blind people's not really the demo I'm going for
Like, probably this is
It's not my-
I'm not-, you know
In fact, on the CD there's gon' be a sticker that says, "Not for blind people"
So let's try a couple
Sure?
I got a haircut for the CD recording last week
I got a haircut before I came out here
And, I went into the salon in New York, and I said, "Can I get a trim?
But it must have come out, Gay beetle, please"
Demetri looks like a gay beetle
At the very least, like a bisexual George
The straw is a great invention because you can drink without using your wrist
The straw is your friend until you lose eye contact with the straw
Then he will betray you and make you look like an idiot
Through the art of mime, Demetri made it look like he was struggling with the straw
Which caused us to emotionally connect to the joke
I have to pull the straw aside and be like, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The last time I checked, you were right by my mouth
"What are you doing on the other side of the glass?"
"I don't need you"
"You're a luxury"
The ice is even worse
When there's liquid in there, yeah, it's fine
It's like a pool party
Hey, we're keeping everything cool
I'm talking about when I get to the bottom, and it's just me and the ice
I'm like, "Okay, just one of you
Come on
Just want something to chew on
Come on"
And the ice is like, "Hold
Hold
Everybody, now!
I have to pull out my lighter and be like, "Who's the ice now, bitch?
Looks like we're just a liquid"
That's called a physical change
But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?
'Cause you're just a temperature and a shape
That sounds like something you'd say about an ex
Oh, man, she was just a temperature and a shape
Temperature cold, shape ugly
I want to make a revolving door that says, "Pull on it"
See how obedient people are, you know?
Oh, it's one of these
It was like Demetri was in a revolving door, but backwards
Because that's what the joke was
Whenever I get a drink that has a tiny umbrella in it
I just-, I take out the umbrella, and I save it
And then I wait for like a rainy day, and I break it out
Just be out on the street and be like, "Hey, how's it going?"
"It's pretty crappy weather"
Also, watch out, there's a wizard back there
Yeah, this was large and I was Korean
He's pretty mad
I have to switch keyboards
I don't want there to be an awkward silence, so
Where's everybody from? Great
(I'm back home)
(That's right)
Somebody's from the part of Michigan where they have speech impediments
Michigan!
What's your name?
Carolyn!
Reporting for duty in the retarded army, sir
ย