Title Track
Andrew Orvedahl
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I was, uh, I was at a house party, and this, uh, gay
Gentleman came up to me. He was kind of super drunk
And he came up to me and goes, "Hey, I was at your show
The other night, and the lights made your dick look huge."
To which I was like, "Oh, I'm flattered, thank you, I guess?"
But in real life, I was probably like, "Agh, agh, agh, agh, agh
Agh, agh, agh, agh, agh, agh, agh," like beer falling out of my
Mouth. But then I actually analyzed what he really said. "The
Lights made your dick look huge." Which sounds like a compliment
You should probably pay the stage manager, not me. Like, "Hey Craig
Great job on the dick lights tonight. A lot of deceptively
Illuminated packages. You made that dude with the 12-year-old
Boy's body look like a man. Good work. Good work. Can I get a little
More dick lights up here? I'm feeling a little insecure. Thanks."
I thought that was the end of my interactions with this dude. I was
Like, "Okay, alright, that was awkward as shit." So I go
In the kitchen at this party, crowded kitchen. I'm just
Sitting, eating tortilla chips, having a nice time. Same
Dude comes up to me, and in a decidedly non-quiet voice
Says, "I guarantee I can make you cum in 13 seconds."
Which, first of all, can we all agree that's like the microwave
Burrito of pickup lines? Like, there's, like, no mention of, like
Pleasure or enjoyment. Just crude efficiency. Like, "You can just
Keep eating these tortilla chips while I do it. It's not a big deal."
But then my second thought was, like, "Did my reputation somehow
Precede me at this party? This dude is this brash to make a
Guarantee?" It wasn't, like, a suggestion, like, "Let's see
If I can do it." "I guarantee I can make you cum in 13 seconds
" Which I also find funny that that's, like, his speed barrier
Is 13 seconds. Not 14, not 12. He's, like, hit a wall. He's
Like, just spending his days in, like, a Chuck Yeager jacket
Just jacking dudes off with a stopwatch in the other hand
"Come on, fuck! God damn it!"
The movie The Right Stuff is playing
In the background. He's like, "Fuck!"
I just have to imagine that he's jacking them off, because I
Don't think you could blow a dude in 13 seconds without sustaining
Some serious neck injury. It would take some sort of, like
Weird, like, Woody Woodpecker, like, move. Like, "I did it! I did
It! I chipped one of my molars. It was worth it. Guarantee met."
Puts on an F-14 Tomcat patch on his flight jacket. Just
Looking. Strolls out. That was a weird row of people who
Specifically liked F-14 Tomcat patch. That's my row of people