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What Would You Do
Nikki Glaser
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I was having sex recently with, uh, my boyfriend and I
I hate saying boyfriend 'cause it sounds like, "Boyfriend!"
I hate it
My ex, my future ex-fiancรฉ and I were, uh
We can get there
And, uh, no, we were doing it, uh, recently and, uh
He said the funniest thing
And this is how I know he watches porn a lot
Because out of nowhere he just goes
"What would you do for this dick?"
Great question, I was like, "I love it"
Are you Terry Gross? This is amazing
"What would you do for this dick?"
He doesn't talk like that either, by the way, like
Like, why do you sound like Batman right now?
He's just like, "What would you do for this dick?"
And I was like, "I didn't know your dick
Was a Klondike bar, let's start there"
Like, I don't have a plan
I was like, "I'd do a silly dance?"
And he's like, "Please stop, it's going down"
It's like, "Okay"
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I didn't, I didn't know what to say
He asked it at the wrong time
You should ask that question before you have sex
Right? Like, "What would you do for this dick?"
He's like across the room, he's just dangling it
And I'm just like, "Anything! Anything!"
Like that's, that's the way I'm just like
That's how I get, real dick hungry
But I just, he asked it while I had it
He's like, "What would you do for this dick?"
I was like, "Whatever I did ten minutes ago, that seemed to work"
Sit on your couch and eat Thai food
Wait 'til Shark Tank is over
Like, there's not a lot of hurdles between me and your dick, you know?
Like, I didn't know what to say
I, I hope he asks me again because I just wasn't prepared
Which he won't because I've done this joke, so
But if he does, I, I would, I
If he says like, "What would you do for this dick?"
I'd like press play and be like
"I would walk five hundred miles and I wouldโ"
Like, 'cause I would
I love it
I do, I love, I love it, it's my best friend
Uh, I really, I love doing dick tricks
Like it's, dicks are so funny to me and they're so fun to play with
And like, when you're with a guy long enough
You just like start to like do some weird stuff
I'm always just like, "How you doing?"
Like, I just like talk to it
And he'll be like, "What are you saying?"
I'm like, "This doesn't concern you!"
And I'll just be like, "This is just between us"
Like, I'll just do funny things
It's fun for everyone, you know?
Just talk to it
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