Comedy Sketch: The Battle of the Century
Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby
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Bob: Now for all you men in the armed forces who happen to be 13 year old girls.
We bring you your 1 & only favorite the 1st atom ever split; Frank Sinatra! Lie down anywhere.
Frank: Thank you that was a very peachy introduction dad! So only 13 year old girls like me hm?
Bob: That's what I hear.
Frank: All that stuff about 13 year olds & me, is just plain propaganda; I know 1 beautiful movie star who goes for me & she isn't 13 either!
Bob: Really? I didn't know Lassie cared!
Frank: WELL SHE DOES!
Bob: (laughs) Yea come to think of it Frank, why shouldn't Lassie love you, that's a great thrill for a dog, hearing a pile of bones sing.
Frank: Been talking to Crosby lately, boy?
Bob: You can't miss him, after all Frankie, the guy works at the same studio with me, I gotta talk to him sometime you see he has the key to the wash room.
Frank: I thought Crosby was behind this. Why does he insult me that way!? Why I wouldn't hurt a fly!
Bob: Not even if you sat on 1.
Bob: Hey Bing! Bing! Step over here will yah.
Bing: What are you 2 guys cooking up? If I didn't know it was me?
Bob: Well Bing the time has come to stop these silly arguments between you & Sinatra. So we are gonna let you both insult each other 1 last time. Are you ready to rip in to him boy?
Bing: I'm happy to begin.
Bob: Good we will get started. Ladies & Gentlemen we now present the battle of the century, a fight to the finish between No Hair {Bing} & No Anything {Frank}. In this corner dynamic Frank Sinatra weight 1751โ2 oz. & over here Boozing Bing Crosby right in the pink of young Lar hood! OK! (Rings bell) come out swinging. You're 1st Sinatra call Crosby something.
Frank: Well... uh... uh...
Bob: COME ON! CALL HIM SOMETHING!
Frank: Well, geez there's so much to choose from! Can I call him anything?
Bob: Sure anything!
Frank: Anything at all?
Bob: Sure call him the worst thing you can think of!
Frank: OK! Bing... You're uh... you're uh... YOU'RE A BOB HOPE!
Bing: OH, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO TOP THAT! NEVER IN THE WORLD!
Bob: This is a fine fight; everybody hits the referee here tonight. OK wide drawers, it's your turn It's your turn to insult bull. OK.
Bing: Well let's see now, uh I wanna come up with one that'll live for years even if the recipient wont. Hm... I think I have it...
Bob: Alright let it go.
Bing: Sinatra... You're sir are so completely emaciated you can stroll through an olive without disturbing the pimento!
Bob: End of round 1. Round 2 coming up. You take it 1st cabbage head.
Bing & Frank: OK, Here I go!
Bing: Oh I'm sorry pardon me after you sir.
Frank: Oh no, no I think he meant you sir.
Bing: Well who did you mean Hope?
Bob: Oh, I think I should have been more specific, I meant the cabbage head with the hair.
Frank: See I told you he meant me!
Bing: I should have known; you've got the right complexion for it too.
Bob: Don't just stand there Frank you won't let him get away with letting him call you name aren't you?
Frank: YOU BET YOUR LIFE IM NOT!
Bob: WELL GO AHEAD & ANSWER HIM BACK!
Frank: YOU'RE DARN RIGHT I WILL! HEY, STICKS & STONES CAN BREAK MY BONES & SO CAN SOFT BOILED EGGS!
Bob: Well that ends it folks that was the performances between 2 great singers... Too Little {Frank} & Too Late {Bing} OK, boys the insults are over, this is Christmas you both are coming to my party, later on, come over here & shake hands.