My History
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I want to tell you about some of those nights
You say I never talk about my history
Close your eyes, can you smell the rain
On the reserve dripping through the pines
Winter, Melbourne, end of the nineties
Me and my friends, my girls, my family
Our worlds were dark, we were each others beauty
The rough of the red school jumper on my arm
The catch of each drag sparking deep in my chest
We sat at tables made from crates in a garage
I'd only take half at a time, I was always too scared
That's when I found a friend to give me rest from the exhaustion
What do you mean there's something that can take this pain away
The club in the city we could never find again
Marked by projected light out on the bluestone
Conspiratorial on leather, dirty speed in our veins
Emerging into the watery light of the morning
The first tram, shift change and the waiting for sleep under doonas
With my friends, my girls, my family
Pitch black skies between villages out in the Ruhr
Negative ten, ice in the air, sickly hot in this three-door Audi
So high, rushing past the sparkles out on the snowy fields
The thud of the bass underneath my body
And a bed, not mine, not my boyfriend's
When he was out of my sight and I was out of my mind
I was dumb but I wasn't bad, I was endlessly angry
I missed my mum and then I missed my Dad
I kept pouring it in to fill me
And I'm afraid still as then of all the things that are in me
I am humbled by my history
We do what we can to feel loved, to feel safe, to feel wanted
And we fail, we get it wrong, we grab and we reach
We hurt the ones we love
I miss the oblivion sometimes like it's an old friend
Anger is sadness, control ends in madness
We all have it in us, we are everything at once
We are all the same