What If...?
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The next comic is, what's that word? An idiot. Now don't get
All sensitive on me because in comedy an idiot is a term of
Endearment. So here now is an idiot among idiots, Todd Glass
Okay, first of all I'm gonna try to do this. I'm not trying to
Resurrect bits and say they're high bits but what happens with
Me a lot is I'll get high and then I'll say "What if?" and
Certain things are funnier. What if you were so high you were
Crying, just crying in bed but masturbating at the same time?
What point are you at in your life when you're like "My dick
Comes out of my chest!" What if it did? "My pants would be funny!"
Okay here's one. What if you went to a pet shop and you just put your
Penis in the lizard cage? Seriously. And you just go, and the owner
Comes out, "What the fuck you doing?" You go, "All I wanted
Was a little lick." Like what would the owner do? See it's
Easy to go, to create a fake scenario and go "He'd throw you
Out." I don't know if we know what the owner would do. We could
Make something up, I think the odds are realistically he'd go "
Oh, alright. He wants a little lick. I thought he was trying
To kill it." He's defending the guy. "Honey get him out of here
He just wants a lick." "The guy's drunk, the guy's drunk."
So here's another what if. Okay this is a little, okay this is a
Little, you have to go through a few levels but again I just want
To preface this. If you're high this is very funny. Also when
I'm high I think everybody knows I'm high and one time I was in
Vegas with Jimmy Dore and the guy's serving us our drinks and I'm
Like "He knows we're high. What the fuck does he want? What is he
Gonna stare at me till I admit it?" And then I go "I'm high, he
Doesn't know I'm fucking high." And then Jimmy Dore goes "What's
This guy, the high police?" I'm like "That's what I fucking thought!
" Like somebody else is as high as you then you think "No we're
Not fucking nuts!" And like "No we're both fucking nuts." Cause
He was probably going "Hey how you doing?" but it felt like this "
How you doing?" "Alright I'm high! I'm fucking high you got me!"
So the first time I ever get high, this is a true story, I went to
The mall with my stepbrother and there was a guy at the mall
I swear to God this is a true story. There was a guy at the mall
That bought a plant from Pier 1 Imports and I know if you weren't
High picture this as a big tree. People listening on their CD may
Pretend this is a big tree that I'm holding. And I'm just, I knew
If I wasn't high it probably looked totally normal. The guy was
Probably walking around the mall with a tree like this, right?
Because we were high my brother goes "Look that guy's hiding from
The cops." Now you might wonder what pot does. Pot makes you see that