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Mudbone - Little Feets
Richard Pryor
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First person I met when I got up here
Was Stoney, owned the barber shop
Used to give bootleg haircuts
That's right, twenty-five cent for a haircut, see
And he give you what they called the bowl cut
They put a bowl on your head and they cut around it
Made all the niggas look Chinese
'Cause that's the only way you could get a job on the railroads, see
That's right, they wasn't hiring no niggas, see
Nigga want real money
Chinese work for that yang money, see
Nigga didn't want that shit, see
So that's the best you could do though, so then we did it
So, Chinese are funny people, boy
You know what they can do? Eat with sticks
Swear to God
I seen a Chinese man have two sticks like this and a bowl of food
Didn't drop a goddamn speck
Nigga lose three pounds of food with a knife and fork
So, I had this friend
My partner, his name was Tootlum, see
Old big nigga, big Roebuck nigga, see
Worked over at the foundry lifting motors, see
That's right, made about thirty-eight cents an hour
That was big money in them days, see
So, he could lie his ass off too
Oh, that nigga could tell a lie
So that's how we became friends, see
He'd tell a lie, I'd tell a lie, see
And we'd compliment each other's lies, see
He'd make me laugh all day long, bless his soul
He told me this lie one time
He told me about the niggas with the big dicks
Said, "Yeah, you ever heard it?
Niggas had the bigger dicks in the world
And they were trying to find a place
Where they could have their contest, see
And they wasn't no freaks, didn't want everybody looking
So they walking around looking for a secret place
So they walked across the Golden Gate Bridge
And niggas seen that water and made them wanna piss, see
One said, 'Man, I got to take a leak'
And he pulled his thing out and went pissing
Other nigga pulled his out, took a piss
One nigga said, 'Goddamn, this water cold'
ย
Other nigga said, 'Yeah, and it's deep too'"
Boy could lie his ass off
Said, "Yeah, and it's deep too"
Goddamn, he was so
So the nigga got sick, see
I told him he was messing with this girl from Louisiana
And I said, "Boy, you better leave that heifer alone, see
'Cause I know she knows something, see"
What she did was she put a hex on his ass
That's right, and made that nigga sick
Boy's feet swole up like this
Hands shriveled up
Blood was coming out his eye
When I seen the nigga, scared the shit out of me
I said, "Tootlum, that's you"
Said, "Goddamn, nigga, you sick"
He said, "Any fool can see that"
He said, "Tell me what kind of sickness I got"
I said, "Well, what the symptom, boy?"
Said, "Symptom my ass, you looking at the symptom"
Said, "My goddamn feet just swole up, look like elephant foots"
Said, "My arms is weak, blood coming out my eye
Plus I'm in love with a bitch I can't stand"
Well shit, right away I knowed what's wrong, see
I said, "Boy, that girl done put a mojo on your ass"
Said, "I'll take you over to Jefferson where the voodoo lady live
Have her fix it for you"
See, 'cause the voodoo lady named Miss Rudolph lived over there
She could do it
That was her name, Miss Rudolph, see
They named her after that deer
And she was good too, man
She had this monkey's foot around her neck
And a three-legged monkey
Yeah
And that monkey didn't give her no trouble
That monkey fucked with everybody but her, see
And this monkey's foot stuck all the way down
And she said it smelt that way to keep
The spirits and most peoples away
Well, it worked on me 'cause it's been
Eight years since I seen the bitch, see
So, come this, we went over there
I had a .33 packet
Stopped, got a little gas
I drove the nigga over there
Made him pay for it
We get over there, I'm the one got to knock on the door, see
So I go up to the door and knock on the door
She opened the door, man
The funk rushed out the house
Knocked me to my goddamn knees
And I'm looking up at her
She ain't got on no bras there
And the biggest titties in the world
They were swole up, looked like that nigga's feet
And she had a tattoo on each titty
Had a big eye on one titty
And a pair of lips on the other
And I'm praying to God I ain't got to kiss nothing, see
So I was looking at this titty looking at me
And it looked like it winked at me
She said, "Boy, get your ass in here
Get off the floor"
So I walked into the house
I'm kinda nervous 'cause bugs and
Shit crawling around all on the floor
There's a goddamn bat flying around like this, see
Now this monkey comes in, so fucking with me
Jumped all on my neck and shit
And it felt funny 'cause he got them little monkey hands
Be fucking with your ears, you know
And I'm trying to act like I'm petting this motherfucker
But I'm poking him in the eye, get him off me, see
'Cause I don't wanna friend this bitch with this monkey's foot, see
'Cause she scratch your ass with that foot, that's all over
And I said, "Miss Rudolph, Miss Rudolph, please
Can you do something about the monkey?"
She said, "I don't have to do shit about the monkey
The monkey live here, nigga, you
VisitingWell shit, I had to accept that, see
So I explained to her what was happening
I said, "My partner's sick
Please, he needs some help
Would you be so kind as to help him?"
Said, "His feet's all swole up
Eyes and shit, he all messed up"
I said, "Now first of all, I gotta explain to you
I don't have no money"
I said, "I'm posing as a Chinaman working on the railroad
And all I got is that yang money"
She said, "No, I don't want none of that"
She said, "What you do though, come Thanksgiving
Bring me by a goose or a turkey
That's alright"
You know, I said, "Well shit, that's fine with me"
'Cause it was June then
If I don't ever see this bitch no more in life
It's alright with me, see
And just about that time
A big motherfucking tarantula this big
Crawled up my arm, 'round my neck
I almost shit on myself, man
Went down this arm, under my hand
I tried to mash him
When I lift my hand up, he was gone
That's when I put my hand on my knife
'Cause I figured if somebody get hurt in here
I ain't gon' be the last one, see
I said, "Miss Rudolph
Please tell me what happened to the tarantula"
She said, "That ain't none of your goddamn business
But if you don't bring me that turkey
You will see him again"
ย
So when I left the house, I'm thinking turkey
There's a big pretty bird in my goddamn mind, see
I don't give a shit if she's in Timbuktu
The bitch got a turkey coming from me
So I get out to the car
And I tootle him, he don't wanna get out the car
I said, "Nigga, you better get your ass up out of this car
Much shit I done been through in there
I'll kick you on one of them big foots"
I just said that to him, I wouldn't really kick him, see
But nigga made me mad, shit
So I helped him out the car
We walk up to the house
This nigga Palmer house is like
Motherfucking feets is hurting him, see
I'm trying not to laugh at him 'cause he my partner
So I help him in the house
He get in the house and see all them bugs and shit
Crawling around
He try to lift his feets up but he's scared
'Cause them feets hurting, them bugs is fucking with him
All he can do is go, "Mm, mm"
I said, "Nigga, sit your ass down
Fuck them bugs
Just pretend like it's furniture"
So the nigga, he eased down on the couch
He had to ease down 'cause he got the piles, see
He ease down, yeah, this bitch done fucked with him, see
Tore his ass up
He eased down, stretched his feets out
Just about that time
She come from out the back room
Had a big wash pan
And she said a few words over it, you know
Then she squatted and pissed
That's right, she pissed for fifteen minutes
Old strong ammonia piss too
Then she slid the pot over by the boy's feets
Said, "Junior, put your feets in that"
Well I'm sure enough trying not to laugh now, see
'Cause this nigga put his feets in this piss
It's all over for me, see
I said, "Go ahead, boy"
See, 'cause I'm gon' talk about his ass forty-four years
He put his feets in this piss
Well, I guess the nigga said
Nothing from nothing leave nothing
So he put his foots in there
Put the other one, the other one almost didn't fit in there
Said, "Oh God, this bitch gon' piss some more"
So I pushed the foot down
Got covered up
Water come next to bubbling and boiling
Sparks start flying
Goddamn bugs was running all crazy
Bat was flying around
Monkey start shitting everywhere
That's when I took my knife out there, see
And she ran over and stroked this nigga with the monkey's foot
And he was trembling like that
I tried to get the door open, it was locked
I start stabbing this motherfucker like
Then all of a sudden, it got real quiet
And the piss turned blue
And I said, "Holy Jesus, holy Jesus"
'Cause I ain't never seen no blue piss
Well, the boy eased his feets out the piss
And they was healthy
The nigga had healthy feets
But they was real tiny
The nigga had little baby feets
I said, "Junior, look at your feet"
He looked down, seen his feet
The nigga went berserk
Killed the monkey
Threw the bat out the window
Start kicking that bitch in the air
And them little feets was going like this
Nigga wore out three pair of kneecaps kicking her in the air
And he snatched the monkey foot off her neck, swallowed that
Well he shouldn't have done that
'Cause they came and got his ass and took him to the zoo
And you can see him if you go down there
He's the polar bear
With little tiny feets
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