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Old Gay Man [Explicit]
John Mulaney
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I have a girlfriend now, uh, myself, which is weird
Because I'm probably gay based on the way I act and behave, and
Have walked and talked for 28 years
I think I was supposed to be gay
I think, like, in Heaven, they built, like, three quarters of a gay person
And then they forgot to flip the final switch
And they just sent me out, and it was like
"You marked that one gay, right?"
And it was like, "Oh no! Was I supposed to?"
And they were like, "Oh man, well, this'll be a very interesting person
This'll be a very silly person"
I was definitely gay when I was a little boy
A lot of little boys are gay, you know
They're very flowy and they have very hard opinions on things
I don't mean that I was a sexually active gay man when I was a little boy
That's not what I mean
When I was a little boy, I was more like a, like a 67 year old gay man
That's kind of over it sexually, you know, I was just like an old queen
I would just come out of the recess yard and be like
"Everyone, get outta my way, I just wanna sit here and feed my birds"
The gym teacher would tell me to play kickball
And I'd be like, "You want me to do what?"
Real quick, uh, this happened pretty recently
I was in a restaurant near here in the West Village
And I was at the urinal, and uh, an old gay man came in the bathroom
With a walker like this and he said this to me, he went
"I'm either having a drink or I have to pee
You're livin' the golden years, kid, not me"
Like, he spoke in rhymes, it was crazy
It was such a weird interaction that I wasn't sure if it actually happened
I came out of the bathroom and I asked my girlfriend, I was like
"Did you see, like, an old man follow me in the bathroom?"
And she was like, "John, that bathroom's been closed for 40 years!"
Whoa! Whoa!
Where was I? I'm not gay, but I might be
And I have a girlfriend, and she's a female person
It's going very well, I love her very much
And so a few months ago, she was like
"Okay, it's going well, so now, uh, I should meet your parents"
Because that what people do when a relationship is going well
They meet each other's parents, and I've never understood that
I've never been with my girlfriend and thought like
"Oh, honey, tonight is going great
But do you know what would make it perfect?
Charles and Ellen Mulaney
Come on! Let's get them in the mix
We've been going pretty hot and heavy lately
I think it's time we bring in two older Catholic people"
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