Talking Hetero Blues
John Rodney
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Okay, we're gonna do a funny song
Talkin' hetero blues
Well, the weather was perfect
The moon was bright
And I decided I'd go out on the town tonight
I was feelin' friendly, my hair looked nice
And my jeans were fittin' tight
And I had all the confidence of a mediocre white man
Well, the nearest place wasn't very far
So I hopped on inside my car
Drove on down to a little roadside bar
Someplace called Big Daddy's
Well, now, I'm a queer, but I'm country, too
So I figured I'd stay for a drink or two
The whiskey was cheap and the beer was cold
And I was woefully unaware of the events about to unfold
Well, I was sittin' on the barstool nursing a beer
When I couldn't help but overhear
Two big fellas way in the back
That were havin' themselves a shout match
One of them called the other one a faggot
And they decided to fight about it
And they started wrestlin'
And now, there's nothin' quite like two grown men
Rollin' around on the floor together
Attempting to prove their heterosexuality
Sounds pretty gay to me, but hell, what do I know
Well, this clearly wasn't the place for me
But no sooner than I had turned to leave
some guy walked up and said his name was Earl
And told me my hair looked like a girl's
I said, thank you, Earl
And just so you know, my pronouns are he, him
And Earl said, who's he
I said, no, Earl, those are my pronouns
And Earl said, what the fuck are pronouns
Well, I decided to go before things got ugly
And find myself some better company
And I didn't come there lookin' for trouble
So I left Big Daddy's on the double
Faster than you can say heteronormative society
And faster than you can say fragile masculinity
Ha, ha, the end