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Climbing Uphill
Rachel Zegler
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When you come home to me
I'll wear a sweeter smile
And hope that for a while
Okay, thank you
Thank you so much
ย
I'm climbing uphill, daddy
Climbing uphill
I'm up every morning at six
And standing in line with two hundred girls
Who are younger and thinner than me
Who have already been to the gym
I'm waiting five hours in line
And watching the girls just coming and going
In dresses that look just like this
Till my number is finally called
When I walk in the room
There's a table of men
Always men, usually gay
Who are sitting like I have
And listening all day
To two hundred girls
Belting as high as they can
I am a good person
I am an attractive person
I am a talented person
Grant me grace
ย
When you come home
I should have told them I was sick last week
They're gonna think this is the way I sing
Why is the pianist playing so loud?
Should I sing louder? I'll sing louder
Maybe I should stop and start over
I'm gonna stop and start over
Why is the director staring at his crotch?
Why is that man staring at my resume?
Don't stare at my resume
I made up half my resume
Look at me, stop looking at that
Look at me, no, not at my shoes
Don't look at my shoes
I hate these fucking shoes
Why did I pick these shoes?
Why did I pick this song?
Why did I pick this career?
Why does this pianist hate me?
If I don't get that call back
I can go to Crate & Barrel with Mom to buy a couch
Not that I want to spend a day with Mom
But Jamie needs space to write
Since I'm obviously such a horrible, annoying distraction
And what's he gonna be like when we have kids?
And once again
Why am I working so hard?
Are these the people who cast Linda Blair in a musical?
Jesus Christ, I suck, I suck, I suck
ย
When finally you come home to
Okay, thank you
Thank you so much
ย
Kathy, what are you doing now?
Okay, well there's a bar across the street from Elise's office
And I want you to
Yeah, I'm at Elise's office now
I came by to check something
And I want you
Well just come down, Kathy
I want to tell you in person
Look, are you doing something right now?
So just come
I'm with Elise because she's the editor of my book, Kathy
I came here to talk to her about my book
Do we really have to do this right now?
Look, what I wanted to tell you is that there's a review
A very good review in The New Yorker next week
And it's by John Updike
And I thought you'd want to see that
Well yeah, yeah I can bring it home with me
I just, I
No, I'm leaving now
I'll be there in about a half hour
Yeah, it's fine
I know, I know, it's fine
I love you too
I'll be right home
ย
I will not be the girl stuck at home in the 'burbs
With the baby, the dog, and the garden of herbs
I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes
Pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues
I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels
To be trotting the walk at the genius' heels
I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by
ย
And I
When you come home
He touched the wall and decided he had had enough
He was exhausted, first of all
And he could feel it
His lungs were throbbing and heavy
And his left arm was stinging from
The shoulder right down to his wrist
Besides that, seven laps in and the water was still freezing cold
And if he wanted to be honest about it, he felt foolish
A ghost pale graceless thing
Chopping hopelessly against the will of gravity
Desperately trying to keep pace with the mermaid in the next lane
She was at least half a lap ahead of him
Though he hadn't been able to keep track
Of her at all while he was swimming
Every time he tried to find her while he was catching a breath
She'd be completely out of range
But he could see her now
Now that he was grabbing onto the side of the pool
He watched her back stretching
Muscles clicking sequentially into position
Her arm came up over her ear
And slid back under the surface soundlessly
Effortlessly
Now she touched the opposite wall and was headed back towards him
And he watched as she changed her stroke
Her head coming up and then submerging again
Constant motion, click, click, click
He could just make out the shape of her face under her goggles
Sense the curve of her breasts as she pushed up into the air
She didn't seem particularly familiar at that moment
He didn't recognize the fierceness in her brow
The tension in her biceps
The fury in the pumping of her calves
It had been three years together
And there were so many things he had yet to discover
So many things he looked forward to discovering
A graying at the temples
A slackening around the neck
A swelling in the abdomen
She touched the wall next to him and pushed off
But she must have sensed something
And she looked behind her and saw him standing at the wall
One arm hanging off the side
His teeth chattering slightly
She slowed down and turned to face him
A quizzical smile crossing her lips
He smiled back at her as she pulled the goggles over her cap
Ah, he thought
There she is
I recognize her now
He would spend the rest of the day trying to determine
What was driving her silence
Her clenched jaw
Her sharp turns away from him
You don't have to let me win
She was screaming
But he couldn't hear it at all
ย
And banish any trace of regret
Soon our love will thrive
All right, Kathy
Kathy, stop, please
Can you listen to me for a second?
Can we just, can we have two minutes
Where you don't just contradict everything I say?
Please, Kathy, can we just
Just two minutes
And then it's your turn
And you can say whatever you want
ย