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Superpowers
Jeff Dunham
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You know, folks, there's never been a better time than right now in our country
To introduce a brand-new superhero
We have that very thing this evening
He's big, he's powerful
Please help me welcome the superhero, Melvin
Uh, uh, hi
It's good to see you, Melvin
Oh, thank you
It's, uh, nice being here in our nation's capital
So you're a superhero (yes!)
What is your most outstanding feature?
My costume
Alright, it's a very nice costume (thank you)
Yeah, what does the D stand for?
Oh, that's my theme song
You have a theme song, what's your theme song?
Da-da-da-dah
And where'd you get the costume?
That, my friend, is a superhero secret
EBay? (Damn it)
How did you deduce that?
There's a tag on the back that says eBay
It's just plain as the nose on your foot, sorry
Alright, so, uh, you're a superhero? (Yes)
And, uh, do you fight crimes? (Yes of course)
What kind of crime?
The bad kind
So what have you done lately?
Uh, today, I was battling a terrorist
Achmed? (Yes)
And what kind of battle? (Checkers)
And every time I'd get a king, he'd blow it up
So what'd you do?
I issued a verbal threat, and then Walter gassed him
Well, Melvin, do you have any powers?
Yes, really, uh-huh
Like what?
(I can fly), really (uh-huh)
How far?
How far can you throw me?
Do you have any other powers?
X-ray vision, really, uh-huh
Well, can you see through something practical, like clothes?
Oh, you're sick
Yes
I love looking at boobies
That's a beautiful pair
And, ah, I'm glad I'm wearing loose shorts
Oh, I forgot, I can't see through silicone
What? They're good when those are super hooters
If she had a theme song, it would be ta-ta-ta-ta
If she had a costume, she'd have two D's on her chest
Yeah, I can look, but I can't touch
Why?
I'm lactose intolerant
So, Melvin, you can fly and you have X-ray vision (yeah)
Those are the two same powers as Superman (yes!)
Can you stop a speeding bullet?
Once
Shut up
That hurts like hell
Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound?
Why the hell would I do that?
There's not a lot of call for that
Superman does that
Show off
He could avoid all the fuss and just walk around the effing thing
I can't curse
I think the president should
The president?
Yeah, think about it
We've had the A-bomb, we've had the H-bomb
Now it's time for him to drop the F-bomb
He could go, "Hey, terrorist, f- you"
So, what about this?
Like Superman, do you change clothes in a phone booth?
What?
Superman does that, too
He's got a lot of issues, doesn't he?
You know, my wife met Lois Lane once
Really?
Yeah, she said she acted like an H-O-R-E
I mean a W-H-O-R-E
What's a whore?
Is that like a Klingon?
So you're married (yes)
Does your wife have any powers
Yes, with uh-huh
Like what?
Well, once a month
She becomes evil
And I cannot defeat her
Our children run in terror
Our big dog cowers under the couch
You have a big dog?
Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua
You know, Superman has a dog (yeah)
Crypto (yeah), he has all the same powers as Superman
That is ridiculous
(Why?) If Crypto sniffs your crotch, it'll suck your lungs out your ass
If he hunks your leg, you'll be in traction for a year
Do you have an archenemy?
Pinocchio
Do you have a weakness?
Cupcakes, uh, and porn
Well, not at the same time
I need a free hand
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