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Demetri Martin
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I was eating some candy, and on the pack
It said, "Made with natural and artificial flavors"
You could just say "flavors" at that point
You've just covered all of 'em, we don't
Have any other flavors in this world
Maybe it's supernatural flavors, shit!
I don't know why great abs are considered attractive
I know that they are considered attractive, but biologically
I don't understand what we're communicating there
You see a guy with great abs, and you're like
"Wow, that guy could shit really fast!"
Huh! Whoa!
I bet women love that
Pop it out, buddy
When I look at the clouds, I see so many animals
Like mostly sheep who've lost their heads and legs
I wanna buy something from one of those infomercials
And then when I'm on the phone with them
I'll be like, "Hey, listen, I'm not gonna pay for the shipping
But I will pay for the handling
I just want you to handle it, but then put it back, all right?
Just give me your word that it will be handled
Someone else can have it, but I just want it handled a little bit extra
Fondle it I, I mean fo-, I don't care, fondle it
Just handle it, fondle it, poke it
And whatever end's supposed to be up
Put it down for a couple minutes, I don't know
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer
They're about to be an asshole
Yeah
If I were really rich, I think I would have like a
One of those secret bookcases
That moves to the side, you know? That'd be cool
And behind it, I would just have another bookcase
People would be like, "This guy is mysterious
And he reads even more than I thought"
Wow, I'm very secretive person, by the way, I'm very private
Somebody asked me, "Can you keep a secret?"
And I was like, "I can't tell you the answer to that question"
Okay
If, if you're, uh, wondering at home what's going on, thanks
I'm just making out with some of the cute girls in the audience
Not doing any awkward stuff on stage
Got it under control!
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