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If I Ruled the World
Christine Lavin
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If I ruled the world, I would dream up inventions
I'd throw out the rules, disregard all conventions
I'd make this world happy and peaceful and bright
And all of us would sleep much better at night
First thing I'd demand would be a car alarm
Easy to install, but hard to disarm
It would be silent on streets and in parking lots
Instead it would only go off in the car owner's bed
Really, nobody else needs to be woken up
Just 'cause somebody's walking a teensy bit too close to your car!
I want a fast-forward button for those boring times
When spending hours with knuckleheads drives you out of your mind
Simply point it and zap them, zip right to the end
Of their dull observations and their leaving
But then I'd like a slow-motion button to make good times last
And slow down some boyfriends who still go too fast
Kisses would be sweeter, hugs more healing
Would come in handy when making gravy
Keep those lumps from congealing
I'd invent something for one of those awkward attacks
When you leave a stupid message on
Voicemail and you can't take it back
Simply click and rewind for quite a brilliant remark
That will impress the callee and perhaps win his heart
Oh, I wish I had an alarm on each shoe
That would beep if I was about to step in dog doo
And for maybe just a slightly higher sum
It would bang if my shoe was near moist bubble gum
Really, if they can tell you that a
Hurricane is five hundred miles away
Couldn't they tell you that an itsy-bitsy little
Natural disaster is just two inches from your foot?
I'd want a buzzer on my mirror that will warn if my hair
Is a horrible mess or if I need an air
The deluxe model will have a speaker that shouts
"Lock the doors! Bolt the windows! You can't leave the house!"
I want a sensor in the ladies' room that discreetly knows
When you've tucked your dress into your pantyhose
This happened to me in a really fancy place
You should have seen the look on the maître d's face... ooh!
It was at Sign of the Dove in Manhattan. I'll never forget it
Everybody was staring at me as I was walking across the floor, and I
Didn't know why! But I'm telling you, if I ruled the world
Humiliating things like this wouldn't happen anymore
Wouldn't this be a better place for all of us to live
In? I'm sure the diners at Sign of the Dove would agree
Now, here are some of my more modest inventions...
I'd invent an umbrella with a strong bracelet attached
You'd never lose it, and it would come in
Handy if you're ever in a subway attack
A detector that tells you what's in the Cracker Jack box
An extra five minutes on all of our clocks
Every country would drive on the same side of the street
I'd remove all cholesterol from all of our meat
Children would volunteer to take naps
People like me would understand how to read maps
I'd invent a satellite catcher for that inevitable day
When your five hundred million dollar spacecraft just floats away
A video camera that could tape-record your dreams
I'd invent a one hundred percent natural, yet
Luscious, yet non-fat and so yummy ice cream
If I ruled the world, I would make these inventions
And then think up more at invention conventions
But I don't rule the world, so we'll have to make do
With the annoying situations we all muddle through