The Velcro Wallet (LP Version)
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Chocolate makes me happy, I have to admit. I had a Velcro wallet in
A casino. That fucking noise drove the shit out of me, man. I'd be
In the casino, losing money, bust out the Velcro wallet again. It's
Like the fucking sound of my addiction. I love to gamble, you know?
I booked myself in Las Vegas at the casino. The Riviera Hotel has a
Comedy club. There's 4 comedians on the bill. And we all have similar
Hair because we're all using the Riviera in-house shampoo. So we all
Have equal shine and bounce. It's a 2-in-1 shampoo. And 2-in-1 is a
Bullshit term because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2
Was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle
Would be all sticky and shit. As a comedian, you have to start the
Show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the 2 key
Elements. You can't be like pancakes. All exciting at first, but then
By the end you're fucking sick of them. A waffle is like a pancake
With a syrup trap. I put fruit on top of my waffles because I want
Something to brush off. I have a cheese shredder at home. That's a
Positive name for a cheese shredder. They don't call it by its
Negative name, cause nobody would buy it. Sponge Ruiner
Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of
Sponge. That would melt easily over tortilla chips. I know a
Lot about cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell
You exactly which way it's coming. I say the word "totally"
Too much. I use the word "totally" way too much. I need to change
It and use a word that is different but means the same thing
"Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly."