Toupee
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My hair never grows, so I don't have to get a cut
I can swap it with my friend when I'm feeling in a rut
Toupee, toupee
I use it to wash myself when I'm in the shower
I can use it as an oven mitt or a pot scourer
Toupee, toupee
When I go to Scotland and I'm feeling a bit foreign
I just whip it off my head and use it as a sporran
Toupee, toupee
I use it to replace a divot when I'm playing golf
If I puts it on my chin, you'll swear I look like Rolf
Toupee, toupee, toupee, toupee, toupee
It doesn't take much to twig that this thing on my head is a wig
But I spent a lot of money on this thing on my head
This thing of my scone, so I'm gonna use it
So I'm gonna use it
When I go out, I can put it on a football and sit it on the couch
So when a robber looks in the window
He'll think someone's in the house
Toupee, toupee
When I find an injured bird, it makes a great nest
I use it as a puppet when I'm entertaining guests
Toupee, toupee
I put a pocket in it with a little zip, and I
Keep my pajamas in it when I take a little trip
Toupee, toupee
I check it with my hand to see if I'm well-groomed
When I die, I'll pass it on
It's a family heirloom
Toupee, toupee, toupee, toupee, toupee
It doesn't take much to twig that this thing on my head is a wig
But I spent a lot of money on this thing on my head
This thing on my scone, so I'm gonna use it
So I'm gonna use it
You know what I've realized?
I don't think that when men get old that they lose their hair
I don't think they go bald
I just think that they don't have enough strength to
Push the hair up through the top of their head
And that's why it comes out their nose and their ears
It doesn't take much to twig that this thing on my head is a wig
But I spent a lot of money on this thing on my head
This thing on my scone, so I'm gonna use it
So I'm gonna use it
So I'm gonna use it