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Weight Loss (Jfl 2000)
John Pinette
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Get this, I'm at home last week
Guy knocks on my door
He says to me, "They're starving in Kosovo"
I said, "I've been here all day, pal
I didn't eat nothing of their stuff, honest, I didn't"
I thought he was blaming me
Come to find out, he just wanted money to feed people
Now, I was happy to help him there
I don't starve, I don't think anybody else should
In my perfect world, everybody would have a buffet
I know what it's like to starve, I've been dieting myself
As a matter of fact, I just lost 120 pounds, and oh, yeah
You'd figure I lost a jockey that won The Kentucky Derby, and, uh
And people are really nice about it and everything
Some irritating comments like
"Oh geez, I can really see it in your face"
I lost 120 pounds, how big was my head?
You'd think in the past 10 years, you'd at least hear a kid
"Mommy, look at the man with the big head"
Nothing
And people aren't very nice too, about it
They go, "Oh, don't you feel better? Oh, now you walk better"
"And it's great, and I bet you're not hungry anymore"
I'm starving!
I was starving on the first day I started
I'm starving tonight
And I had a nutritionist, I went through nutritionist after nutritionist
One nutritionist, he was crazy
I walk into his office and he goes
"Well, the good news is you can have all the salad you want"
I don't want any salad
"What's the bad news?"
He wanted me to eat salad as the food
Salad's not food, salad comes with the food
You go out, you order a steak, what do they do?
They bring you salad, they don't even charge for it
'Cause it ain't worth anything, 'cause it ain't food
Salad comes before the meal
Salad is a promissory note that food will soon arrive
He said, "Well, you know, you can have heated veget-, steamed vegetables"
That's heated salad, that's all that is
And I went to one lady, I went to this herbalist
Now, when I say herbalist
I don't mean a bong or rolling papers or anything
I mean, Lord knows I can't smoke pot
You don't want to see me with the munchies, it's an ugly thing
But I go to this one lady and I walked into her office
And she's, she's into this all holistic medicine
And I walk into her office and she says
"You have a blocked colon"
I didn't say "Hi, I'm John", you have a blocked colon
And I'm thinking, how we gonna unblock this bad boy?
Here, attach this to your garden hose
Hey lady, I got neighbors
I'll get a letter from the homeowners association
"Please do not clean your colon on front lawn
Signed, "All of us", now
She, now she gives me this stuff to clean out my system, and, uh
She says, "Take this with juice, three times a day
For a month, it'll clean your colon"
I called her about six hours later from the bathroom
"Hey crazy lady, I can stop taking this stuff now
My colon's clean, when I walk, my ass whistles
On a windy day, it sounds like I have Zamfir, Master of the pan flute in my ass"
Now
"Pardon me, are you seeing an herbalist?"
"Why? Yes, I am"
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