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Blades of Glory
Nick Swardson
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I'm a huge sports fan, love sports
Admire Olympic athletes a lot
Just because their stories are always like, wicked intense
They're like, "She's been doing javelin since she was negative three"
Like, what? How's that possible?
"He was just semen when he was doing shotput, somehow
Oh, it's just semen, he lifted it up, and that's when they knew"
But no, but Olympic athletes
Like I said, I did the movie Blades of Glory about figure skating (ouu)
And I'm only saying that
I'm only saying that because like
I met all these figure skaters and shit, and it was kinda cool
And it was funny, and I was like
I realized, like, that sport
It's like one of the only sports where like
Halfway through your routine, like, people just totally wipe out
And then they have to get up and finish like nothing happened
Which was always weird to me
You know what I'm talking about? They'll be like
They'll do like their little triple lutz cow or whatever it is
And the announcers, by the way, are always assholes
They're always like, "Ooh, they've got a tough jump coming up here
They have not been landing this one"
So you're at home like, "Alright, I'm gonna watch this guy eat shit real quick"
And they always do, they always like do the little jump
Wipeout (fuck)
And then they have to get up like, "It's fine
It didn'tโha-ha, what? Nothing happened"
It's like, you just wiped out at the Olympics
You've been training your whole life for that moment
How do you not get upset?
Like, your whole life, all your friends
All your family, the entire world is watching you
I'm like, if that happened to me and I fuckin' ate shit
Do my little lutz cow (meuu)
I'd get up, I'd be like, "Alright, really? Well, fuck you, world"
And I would just skate around the rink
I would just skate around the rink
And then I would skate to center ice and do that quick spin thing
And then I would just start peeing
That's how long
It'd be so great
People would be like, "Did you win a gold medal?"
You'd be like, "No, but I made a golden shower at center ice
They're gonna put it on the Wheaties box"
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