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Wisconsin (Unedited)
Lewis Black
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Ladies and gentlemen, Lewis Black
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Thanks
It's always a big, big, big fucking thrill
To be back in Wisconsin, I'm ecstatic
I told my friends that I was goinna make a CD
And to give you an idea how smart my friends are, they said, "Well, what kind of CD?"
I said, "Nothing but love songs"
Well, what if I did come up here and just didn't even do comedy?
Just sat here in a capella saying about ten fucking love songs in a row
Never even mentioned it, just go on and on
I love Wisconsin, I love coming here
I perform here a lot because I've discovered that you people
Apparently have some sort of federal grant for drinking
It's a -, you're insane
You pay less for liquor than anybody I know anywhere in the country
Nobody pays less for liquor than you
What do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, how, how?
I don't know if you're using that farm subsidy money
Or if you're just hijacking liquor trucks, but this is fucking insane
Is it volume? It's unbe-fucking-lievable, it's staggering
I come here 'cause, basically if I spend four days here drinking
And even with the plane ticket, it's cheaper than drinking in New York
How do you know when it's New Year's?
That's the big mystery to me
What's the difference?
I've been in bars here and it's like New Year's every fuck night
Oh, New Year's, that's when we, we drink with hats on
I've been drunker here than any place else I've ever been in my life
And I'll tell you this, and I love coming back here
But I've done a lot of stupid things when I've been drunk
And if I ever wake up with a man, I'm fucking not coming back, okay?
Not for me, not for me, no
I'd go right into rehab
And then will never return to the quiet charms of Wisconsin
And you drink on another level
I mean, I was in Ireland and I was at the Irish comedy festival
I'd tell you about that, but I don't remember
But I had been spending a lot more time in Wisconsin since my first time in Ireland
I had this feeling that the people of Wisconsin
Actually were the people who settled Ireland
I've never seen you, you fuckers, and it's like, God damn it
Every time I come here, there's an inevitably some point where I'm just so fucked up, it's not right
You know, 'cause you always have three drinks in front of me
I got you another one 'cause this one's free
You ought to get people who come from out of state, a card that says
"Hi, my name is Lewis Black, I am new to your city and its ways
If you find me on the sidewalk, just get me to the following hotel"
It's unbelievable, this is the only state I can tell the story in
Because you're the only people who understand it
One night I was performing in Milwaukee
And I finished my set and it was late in the evening
And I got a Scotch and two of the waitresses sat down
And they had a brandy old fashioned, and you're the only fuckers who drink that
More brandy is to drunk in Wisconsin over Christmas
Than it was drunk during the entire second world war
I actually had a cab driver who was driving me back one night and he said, "Son of a bitch"
He said, "I was in New York City and they don't know how to make a brandy old fashioned
I had to jump over the bar, you people are nuts"
So I was sitting there and at that point they ordered a shot of Jรคger
'Cause I guess, you know
I love you, you're the only people who applaud Jรคger
And I'm telling you something is wrong with that
You don't even know what's in it, okay? That's wrong
You know how they make Yeager? They take all the bar rags in this country
And they bring them into it, that's how they do it
And even with your lack of response, I can hear if you go, "So what's wrong with that?
Saves me having to just go to the shelf and get all the liquors"
And I'm sitting there and I shot a Jรคger, I said, "No, I've got a drink"
And they said, "We'll have your shot"
"No! No! This is a Scotch, when I finish the Scotch, maybe you have a shot
But you don't have a Scotch and a fuck shot"
And they said, "Well, no, actually you've got two shots of Scotch and this is another shot"
Oh, with logic like that
I said, "Well, what I'm not going to do that?"
And they said, "Well, what do you have, a pussy?"
And I knocked that son of a bitch back, 'cause I'm no pussy
And remember this, you were not, you were not alcoholics
You, and my hat is off, are professionals
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