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[The Legend of] Miss Baltimore Crabs
Hairspray Original Broadway Cast
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Lyrics
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Well, I brought my own .45s
So if you wanna put them on, I'll show you my stuff
Haven't you already shown us enough?
Oh, my God, how times have changed
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Oh, but time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that damn Shirley Temple stole my freakin' act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ah! Not a chance!
'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze
While belting high Cs and preparing soufflรฉs
But that triple somersault
Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Proceed
Are you scared we're on live?
No, I'm sure I can cope
Well, this show isn't broadcast in (CinemaScope!)
I never drank one chocolate malt
No, no desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs
How many sweaters do you own?
Well, I'm sure I've got plenty
Let me see, I have three (huh), five
No, wait, I have twenty!
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs!
A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny
The old fart dropped dead but left tons of money
So I bought this station so all of the nation could see
Baby Amber and me
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there's no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would! I'm all for integration
It's the new frontier!
Not in Baltimore, it isn't
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You'll never be in
So we're kicking you out!
You can't get past me, kid, but it isn't your fault
It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs!
Oh, you may go
Uh, thank you?
Gee, Tracy, that went well
Hello, may I please audition
No, but you can bow and exalt
'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs!
(Crabs, crabs!)
Crabs!
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