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I Have a Secret
Lisa Lampanelli
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Oh, my god, I totally have a secret for you. I have never told anyone
This and I'm telling you 'cause this is a special night. Okay. You
Can't tell anybody. Okay. I'm known in this business for two things
Insulting people and banging the blacks. But I think I met a Hispanic
That I like. Should I do it? Should I? Oh my god, I don't know. So
I might have to jump off the amistad onto a raft. And he's an
Interesting guy. He's a Hispanic cop, which is ironic because you
Usually steal. And you know, girls, you know how the little things
Mean a lot? The guy flew all the way from Chicago to New Yorkโwell
He swam. Uh, and I don't like to brag, but I hardly got no sleep that
Night. It's not like we were banging. It's just he's Hispanic, so I
Couldn't fall asleep 'cause my purse was right there. Is Hector
Laughing or polishing a machete? I can't figure it out. Well
You know what? You can always save the night with a good homosexual
Joke. Because first of all, homosexuals are the best sports in
The world, they don't take themselves seriously, and they have
The best nicknames for each other, am I right, guys? Now, I've
Come up with a new list of gay terminologies. Correct me if I'm
Wrong on any of this. Let's see what Lisa's Queerbait Notebook
Has to say. Gay, homo, fruitcake, creampuff, rump wrangler, shirt
Lifter, sausage smugglerโooh, that's nice. Anal astronautโooh
That's good, that's like an occupation. Bum chum. Donut puncher
Peanut packerโa visual. Hemorrhoid hitmanโoh yeah, that's the one
Mattress muncher, and of course, Ryan Seacrest, right? Those are good
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