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Here Come The Judge
Pigmeat Markham
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Hear ye, hear ye, the court of swing
Is just about ready to do their thing
I don't want no tears, I don't want no lies
Above all I don't want no alibis
This judge is hip and that ain't all
He'll give you time if you're big or small
So fall in line, this court is neat
He's, brother, is Judge Pigmeat
Oh, the judge is high as a Georgia pine
Everybody's going to jail this morning
Good morning, judge, your honor
Good morning, your honor, good morning, your honor
And to show you I don't mean nobody no good this morning
I'm opening up my coat by giving myself six months
And if I'm gonna do six months, Mr. District Attorney
You got a darn good idea how many you gonna do
What's the first case on the docket?
Well, the first case on the docket this morning, judge, your honor
Is a nudist case
A nudist case?
That's right
What do you mean by a nudist case?
Why, we have a young man accused of parading
Up and down the streets with no pants on
No pants on?
That's right
Have you got him in jail?
They sure have
Bring him in here, I'm gonna give him
From now on this morning, don't worry
Bailiff, send in the prisoner
Bailiff, send in the nudist, doggone it
Hello, judge
Get out of here
Did you hear what he called me?
Right
"Hello, judgey"
Right
A man of my ability
Right
A man in my standing
Right
A man that's been to school
Right
And have studied and studied and studied
Right
And yet I don't know what the devil it's all about
Right
He called me judgey, son, come here, boy
Come here, boy
Are you married?
Yes sir, your honor
How long you been married?
Three years, your honor
Man been married three years?
Well, he's on the right track
Have you got any children?
Yes sir, your honor
He got children?
Got kids
How many, boy?
Nine, your honor
Good gracious of life
Man married three years and got nine children
Sound like we the people, don't it?
Sure do
How did it happen, son?
Well, your honor, the first year my wife and
I was married she presented me with twins
That's two of 'em right there, now you got that one
The third year, second year my wife and I
Was married she presented me with triplets
Good gracious of life, that's five, that's five, yeah
And the third year my wife and I was
Married she presented me with quadruplets
That's five and four, isn't that all over the world?
You're right, son, and your case is dismissed, that's another thing
Judge, your honor
What's the matter?
I object
What you gonna object to?
You can't dismiss this case
I did, didn't I?
Yes, but this man is a nudist
This man is not a nudist
This man is a nudist
This man is definitely not a nudist
This man is a nudist
You heard the man said he was married three years
Yes
You heard the man said he had nine children
Yes
Well, this man is not a nudist
Why?
Because this man hasn't had time to put his pants on